One of the greatest leadership books on the market today is Jim Collins’ Good To Great. In the book Collins discusses a thought that he termed “The Stockdale Paradox”. The maxim was drawn from the life story of Admiral James Stockdale who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam. He endured severe torture and designed a system to help his fellow prisoners endure what they were facing. He was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroism and courage after the war. The Stockdale Paradox includes two parts: 1)maintain faith that things will turn out for the best and that you will prevail in the end, and 2)accept the brutal truth about your current reality. Both are necessary to be able to endure and progress in life. Stockdale didn’t just employ his strategy in Vietnam, but in all of life. It enabled him to succeed in his career and eventually become a nominee for Vice President of the US.

I filter most everything I read through the context of relationships, and I believe that The Stockdale Paradox has direct implications for our relationships. For us to have relational success, we must have both components listed by Stockdale. Most relational breakdowns occur when we hold one side of the paradox and ignore the other. Here’s a glimpse at how this can play out in our lives:

There are lots of examples of people who have faith that their relationships will succeed, but refuse to accept the brutal realities of their circumstances. Most victims of abuse entertain this sort of thinking at times. Another example is when someone leaves their spouse to date/marry another person. At first, it seems flattering, “he left her for me”. “He chose me, we have something special”. While that may be true there are brutal realities to consider as well. You can have faith that he will love you and never leave, but the brutal reality is that he is (or at least has been) a leaver and a cheater. It doesn’t mean that he can’t change. He may make changes and be incredibly faithful and loyal. You can choose to have faith in that thought, but you should also admit the brutal reality to yourself. He left her for me. Sometimes leavers continue to leave and cheaters continue to cheat. It’s at least worth examining the thought that he could do the same thing to you one day.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, nobody’s perfect. If we are honest with ourselves, we are not even close. Life is hard and relationships can be a huge challenge. It’s easy to find brutal realities all throughout our relationships. You are not perfect and you will never have a friend, child, or spouse that is perfect either. If we become obsessed with only the negative aspects of our relationships, they don’t have a chance of surviving.

People who only see the negatives in relationships are either constantly demanding or constantly discouraged.  We must be honest about the brutal realities, but we must also have faith. We must believe the best of ourselves and of others. We don’t ignore the brutal realities, but we don’t let them define us either.

Relationships are difficult, but totally worth the effort. Engage both sides of the Stockdale Paradox as you work through the ups and downs of your relational life. You’ll be better able to decide which relationships to keep and which to let go of and you’ll enjoy your healthy relationships more deeply.

Living in a fast paced world, seeking to find something else to add to our schedule to get us ahead? Greg McKeown has a radical proposal for you, “do less”. In his book essentialism, McKeown lays out a case for limiting the things we do in order to have a greater impact in what we choose to do. He offers a four part strategy to help begin “an essential way of life”.

The first portion of the book is devoted to the essence of essentialism. What does it mean to carefully choose what parts of our lives may be essential and what parts are not? Next he shifts his attention to exploring what things may be essential for our lives. Are there things we are leaving out of our lives that could make us more fulfilled and productive? The third portion of the book is dedicated to eliminating things from our life that distract us from the essentials. (This was the most challenging part of the book for me, but the most rewarding one.) McKeown closes the book by looking at how to execute the plan. How can we grow to the point where the essentials in our life become almost automatic?

The book is a wonderful addition to the leadership books you may have on the shelf, but is a great book for personal growth in general as well. We all need greater clarity, our daily stress levels attest to that. essentialism offers good insight on how to organize our thoughts and then organize our life. If you are looking for a book to kick off your Fall, essentialismwould be a great choice.

One of the most important lessons I have ever learned about God, I learned sitting in the waiting room at my optometrist’s office. I was sitting there, probably with a book, waiting my turn to be seen. Across from me in the corner of the waiting room were sitting two people. One was a young teen, maybe middle-school aged, and it was clear that he was a special needs child. There was impairment in the way he thought and processed information, and the man sitting next to him appeared to be his grandfather. If you have ever worked with special needs children, you know that many of them have something that they are very good at. Something that they retreat into that gives them comfort.  Life can be pretty frightening and difficult to take for children with cognitive challenges, so they retreat into that special activity or place and it calms them down. That’s the place they go to restore order and to find peace of mind.

You could tell right away what this young man’s area of expertise was. He had brought it with him. He had a thick, well-used Sudoku book that he was working through. From the look of it, he had already completed tons of the number puzzles. That was what he was good at, that was what he knew. He completed puzzle after puzzle with eagerness and enjoyment. As I continued to watch something happened. The young man’s peaceful face creased. His eyes sharpened their focus. His breathing became more rapid. The puzzle he had just turned to wasn’t like the others. The thing that had given him comfort just a few minutes ago was now causing him pain. At this point, his grandfather noticed that something wasn’t right. He glanced from the puzzle book to his grandson’s face, then he stepped in. In a calm tone and at a deliberate pace he began to speak. “I know this one’s tough, but you can do it. It looks different, but you’ve solved problems like this before.” Then he patiently helped his grandson work through what had seemed impossible just seconds before. The young man caught his breath and confidence returned to his eyes. He had faced a challenge and with the help of his grandfather, he was better off for it. He had let his grandfather speak into his fears of incompetence and inadequacy.  The older man didn’t solve the problem for him, which would have been quicker. He simply came alongside the boy he loved, until things made sense again.

That’s like the God I know.

I’ve had times in my life and maybe you have as well when everything that I thought was safe and good was stripped away. Everything I thought I knew was flipped on its head.  The places and people that used to give us comfort now brought pain. It’s in those moments, when things seem irreparably broken, that God can step in. We must be willing to allow our fears of inadequacy and incompetence to be exposed, so that they can be calmed. God calmly reminds us that we can handle this. He wouldn’t allow us to face the challenge if we couldn’t. Then step by step and moment by moment, God patiently moves us forward. After a few days, months, or maybe even years, we realize that we’ve overcome a challenge that we felt was insurmountable, and we are better for it. God wants to share this life with you. 

Let Him.  

For most of us Memorial Day means two wonderful words: MONDAY OFF! For others it’s a day to gather folks around and fire up the grill. For still others it’s your chance to torture your family by watching every war movie in the history of film. (I enjoy all three actually). At it’s core, Memorial Day is the day set aside to stop and remember those who have given their lives in service to this country. Many people take this time to remember all of their loved ones who have died. Remembering is an essential component of healing, but there are ways to remember well, and ways of remembering that will do damage to us and impede the healing process. Here are some things to think about when you delve into your memories:

We have all said things or left things unsaid that we regret. We have all made bad decisions in the past. We have all let someone down. It’s possible to go back to those moments from our past and feel shame, humiliation, and guilt as strongly as if the event were happening today. The simple truth is: punishing yourself today won’t change yesterday. It’s important to remember in context, which means that of course you messed up, but so did the people you love. We all do. Odds are that you have forgiven those your love for their mistakes and bad decisions, maybe it’s time to forgive you as well. You must always remember with grace.

Sometimes the pain of the past can be so deep that it’s hard to escape it. We think, re-think, and then think again about what happened last year and even last week. It’s possible to live in such a way that our mistakes or the pain of our past is never far away from us. That way of living steals the joy and peace that are available to us today. The purpose of remembering is to allow us to live better today. Living in the past steals our today, and weakens our tomorrows. So, go back and remember, but then give energy to the people and choices around you today.

I hope you have a wonderful Memorial Day, and if today is filled with memories for you, I hope that you will allow them to help you live and love more fully today!