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I Need Help

Michael Ramsey — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 14:41:59 +0000

Four Phrases Guaranteed To Improve Your Relationships (Part 4)

This is the final post in a series about small phrases that can make a big difference in your relationships. The last phrase may be the most difficult, and it is definitely the one that is used the least. These three words can make a huge difference for you at home, work, and with friends. The phrase is, “I need help”.

No one likes to ask for help. For many of us, we refuse to ask for help because we feel it means that we have failed, or more to the point, that we are failures. That is such a painful thought that we often continue on, broken and hurting, rather than getting the help that is available to us. For others, asking for help means burdening other people. We don’t want to waste other’s time. We don’t want to inconvenience anyone. So, rather than reaching out, we shrink down inside of ourselves and try to endure whatever we are going through alone.

The ability to ask for help is a critical relational skill, and those who don’t develop it limit their relationships. Here are a couple of reasons why you need to ask for help:

Because you really do need help

Those who never ask for help have resigned themselves to never being their best. You can’t do it all on your own. Everyone needs help sometimes. There are perspectives that you can’t see, and challenges that you can’t overcome without the help of other people. You are not a failure because you can’t do everything on your own. You are however, guaranteed to fail more often if you don’t reach out to others and accept their assistance.

Because true relationships include giving and taking

We all love to be the person in the relationship that gives. It feels good to give. We love to help the people we care about most. It’s strange then, when you consider how often we rob those we love of the opportunity to help us. True relationships include giving and taking. There will be times in life when you have the strength and ability to give to others. There will also be times when you don’t have anything left to give, and what you need to do most is to allow others to give to you. If you are only always giving, your relationship is not healthy.

The odds are that you need help with something in your life right now. Maybe you need some advice or a word of encouragement. Maybe you need help with a task that is bigger or more time consuming than you thought it would be. Whatever it is, take a second today and ask for help, your relationships will be stronger for it!

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Free From Control

Michael Ramsey — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 19:49:39 +0000

The Key to Healthy Relationships

This has been for me, the summer of Frederick Buechner. I attended the Frederick Buechner Writer’s Workshop at Princeton Theological Seminary at the beginning of summer. It reintroduced to me the power of words, and was much needed food for my soul. Since that time, I have immersed myself again in Buechner’s writings. So, since I have no idea what to write about this week, I am going to use an excerpt from his “Telling Secrets” as a launching pad:

“The only way I knew to be a father was to take care of her, as my father had been unable to take care of me, to move heaven and earth if necessary to make her well, and of course I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have either the power or the wisdom to make her well. None of us has the power to change other human beings like that, and it would be a terrible power if we did, the power to violate the humanity of others, even for their own good.” (Telling Secrets, 26)

In “Telling Secrets”, Buechner writes about his daughter’s battle with an eating disorder. More to the point, he talks about his struggle to watch his daughter struggle with her illness. After several agonizing months, he arrived at the above conclusion.

I still wrestle at times with the belief that I can change other people. I want so much for my daughter to avoid painful mistakes. I want her to make only good decisions (at least good as I define it). I argue and plead and sometimes lecture. In my wisest moments, I shut my mouth and listen. God did not give me the power to change others, he gave me something much better, the privilege of relating to them.

With the increased use of social media, we are bombarded by people hoping to change us. Normally, shame is their weapon of choice.

“Are you going to vote for (insert candidate of choice)?!? Do you not love America at all?”

“Are you going to eat that? Are you not even trying anymore?!?”

It seems that we are hardwired to seek to change other people. It’s like an itch that won’t go away, no matter how much we scratch. I am so grateful that I don’t have the power to change others though. I am also amazed that the one being in the universe with the power to change us all, only does so by invitation.

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20, NLT)

By definition, an all-powerful God could override our human will and change us into whatever He wanted. That’s why the picture of God patiently waiting at a closed door is one of the most shocking images we find in the Bible.

God waits.

God asks.

If God waits and asks, why are we so quick to demand, plead, and cajole?

Is there someone in your life that you are attempting to control, even if it’s for their own good? Maybe your attempts to control, even though well-meaning, aren’t leading to” their own good”. Step back and listen. Ask. Pray and feel free to hope. Relationships aren’t easy, but they are a priceless privilege. You can’t change anyone, but you can love them, and in the end, that is exactly what God has asked of us.

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All Or Nothing (Part 2)

Michael Ramsey — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 00:04:22 +0000

Embracing The Power Of Responsibility

In Part 1 of this post we talked about the dangers of being overly responsible and of being irresponsible. So, how do we avoid the extremes of taking on too much responsibility on one side, or just throwing up our hands and giving up on the other?

Be honest about the extent of your control.

My wife is a little over a month away from her due date, and from birthing our new son into the world. I already pray that he will have an incredible life. I want good things for him just like I do my daughter. As much as I want to, though, I won’t be able to make him become a healthy adult. As much as I want him to make good decisions, and to do his best at everything he attempts, there’s no way I can ensure that will happen. As much as I know that the key to a great life is great relationships, I won’t be able to keep him from choosing toxic people to surround himself with. I can love him, I can teach him, I can be there for him, but he gets to decide what he will do with his life. I can try to control him and block him from making bad decisions if I want. This is actually very healthy when our children are small. It’s good to keep them from drinking things they find under the sink, for instance. As he grows however, I will need to control him less and less, because there will be a day when he alone will control his decisions, and he needs practice to prepare for that day.

Be honest about your area of impact.

While I can’t control my son, it would be foolish to believe that I have no influence at all. I can teach and discipline and encourage. All of those things will make a difference. Just because I can’t guarantee that he will only make great decisions in his life, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try to give him the skills to make good decisions if and when he chooses to. We can have an impact in the lives of others, but they will always have a choice as to what to do with the impact we make.

A happy middle ground: I am responsible to you but for me.

I can only be responsible for things that are within my control. I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible for what I do with the emotions I feel. I am responsible for how I respond to a world around me that is at times positive and at others incredibly negative. Others may treat me poorly and life may take bad turns that I cannot control, but I have the power to respond to whatever life brings. Life may not always be fair, but it is full of potential, and I’m the only one who can make the most of that potential in my life.

While I am responsible for me, I am only responsible to you. As a Christian I believe it is my responsibility to love others. Some people may receive that love so that we become friends over time. Other people may reject that love and want nothing to do with me. I can offer you mercy, grace, encouragement, warning, and truth, but you get to decide what to do with it. You are responsible for you.

When we embrace the challenge of being responsible for ourselves and the freedom of only being responsible to others, we often find a great weight lifted off of our shoulders. A healthy definition of responsibility will lead to a healthy life, one that those around you will appreciate and benefit from.

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How To Know If You’ve Become An Enabler (And What To Do About It)

Michael Ramsey — Tue, 24 May 2016 21:35:00 +0000

Being an enabler (or engaging in codependent behavior) is an easy relational trap to fall into. We love the people in our relationships and we want the best for them. Sometimes we want good things for them even more than they want them for themselves. That’s when things can become unhealthy. When we enable others, we assume an unhealthy amount of responsibility for their life, which allows them to become more and more irresponsible. It is a broken way to relate to people, and often ends in pain for both parties. Here are some signs that could indicate that you are becoming an enabler:

You Are Doing Things That They Could Do Themselves

This doesn’t include cleaning the bathroom for your spouse once in a while, or doing the dishes when it’s not your night. Unexpectedly doing things for others is a great way to show them that we care for them. When we consistently do the chores and tasks of others, we have begun to act in codependent ways. People need to carry their share of the responsibility in a relationship, if they don’t, they will become unhealthy. When you refuse to allow others to carry their load, you are not making the relationship stronger, you are damaging it. If your child has a paper due tomorrow, let them do it! It’s better for them to get a “D” on their own, or with some help from you, than it is to get an “A” because you wrote it for them.

You Are Only Happy If They Are Happy

We all want the people we love to be happy, but no one is happy all of the time. Some days are tough. Sometimes we get sad or angry. It’s all part of being human, and its ok. Wanting others to be happy and needing them to be happy are two very different things. If you can’t be happy when your child is angry at you, or if your friend is not talking to you, then you are in an unhealthy place. When you depend on the positive reactions of others to feel good about yourself, you will very rarely feel good about yourself. Each person in a relationship has to be responsible for their own choices and emotions.

Once you see some of these traits sneaking in to your relationships, you need to take action to set things right. Take a second to remind yourself that you don’t have the power to change other people. They alone own the key to their change. You can help people and you can love people, but you can’t make them successful, and you can’t make them love you back. The fact that you love the people in your life through their ups and downs is more important than trying to protect them from having any downs at all. Hang in there, healthy relationships aren’t always easy, but they are always worth the effort!

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The Danger Of Needing Your Relationships Too Much

Michael Ramsey — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 20:37:00 +0000

If you need your relationships to make you ok, you’ll never be ok.

In a previous blog post, I talked about the dangers of giving too much in relationships. While being too giving in relationships is dangerous, being too needy is a problem as well. We all know someone who defines themselves by their relationships, and most of us have done it ourselves at times. When the relationship is going well, life is going well. The skies are blue, the birds are singing, and everything is perfect! When the relationship breaks down however, life breaks down. It’s hard to get out of bed, and everything seems gray. It’s normal to be down when a relationship fails, it’s not healthy to feel as if you have nothing valuable left in your life.

There are some things you can only do for yourself.

It’s easy when you care deeply about someone to think very highly of their opinion. You admire that person or you wouldn’t be dating them or be their friend. The danger comes when you defer all of your thoughts and decisions to that person. Even if you think they are really smart, you shouldn’t share all of the same opinions. You need to be able to think for yourself. There are parts of you that won’t grow unless you take time to think through things for yourself. So, don’t just adopt the viewpoints of others.

If you need someone for everything, you will eventually blame someone for everything.

When you go along with what your friends decide in situations instead of thinking things through and deciding for yourself, you will also blame your friends when those decisions go wrong. It’s a toxic cycle. In life, we are guaranteed to make mistakes. If we are humble, we can grow from those bad decisions. If you depend on others to make decisions for you, you will never learn by making the normal mistakes that the rest of us make. Few things hinder growth more than blaming others for the things that aren’t working in your life.

If you define yourself by them, you’ll never find you.

You matter. You have unique insights. You are a combination of talents and experiences that is unlike anyone else. When you live off of the approval of your friends or family, however, you will slowly stop being you, and start trying to be the person they think you should be. It’s important to listen to and learn from the people around us. That doesn’t mean that we should mindlessly become what others want us to be. The two most dangerous people in the world are those who listen to and follow every voice they hear and those who refuse to listen to or follow any voice.

Relationships are wonderful and life-giving, but you can only fully enjoy them, if you learn to be yourself first. If you are not happy with who you are before you have a relationship, you will never be happy with yourself in a relationship.

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Can Giving Too Much Damage Your Relationships?

Michael Ramsey — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 19:56:00 +0000

Almost everyone would agree that relationships are a key component to a full and enjoyable life. As a result, we all do our best to establish and maintain relationships. Relationships can be tough, however, and often we end up in a broken relationship that causes more pain than joy. But we know that we can’t live without relationships, in fact the equation is pretty simple:

Better relationships = Better life

So, how can we grow in our ability to relate to others? Sometimes it all starts with asking the right questions. One of the most important questions you have to ask yourself if you want to have healthy relationships is, “Am I giving too much?”

It sounds like a ridiculous question, doesn’t it? I mean, aren’t you always supposed to give to others? Don’t people who give more have better relationships? The answer to that last question depends. Take for instance, antibiotics. We are privileged to live in a world with easy access to antibiotics. We have the ability to endure and survive illnesses that killed countless people just a hundred years ago. As good as antibiotics are however, they can still be misused. If you take antibiotics when they are not needed, they can attack beneficial bacteria in your body. It’s also possible for bacteria to build up a resistance to antibiotics which could lead to trouble down the road.

Giving in a relationship is crucial to its success. But giving too much or at the wrong time can have disastrous effects. Healthy relationships include both giving and taking. Here are just a few of the things that can happen when you give too much in a relationship:

You Lose The Enjoyment of Receiving

It’s enjoyable to have someone give your their time, affection, or even a listening ear. When you insist on always giving, you block other people’s ability to give and thereby your chance to receive good things. Many people who have been hurt by others who didn’t care well for them often use giving as a way to avoid disappointment and hurt. While it’s possible for people to let you down and not care for you, you almost guarantee relational emptiness when you refuse to do anything but give in a relationship.

You Could Be Blocking Someone Else’s Growth

Like I said in the previous point, when you give all of the time, you block other people’s ability to give. Learning to sacrifice your time and other things for the good of others is a key component of personal growth. When you always give, you could be impairing your friend, child, or co-worker’s growth. Many people become angry after years of giving when they realize what an immature and selfish person they have as a friend or spouse. It’s possibly that they may have contributed to that lack of health, by never giving them an opportunity to give and grow.

You Could Be Affecting People Outside of Your Relationship

Even when you are not aware of it people are learning from your example. Giving all of the time can look good to those watching you. You may look selfless and caring, and others will want to emulate that. When that happens they will begin to reap all of the consequences of unhealthy relationships as well. Let people know that all humans need to both give and receive, not just by telling them, but by showing them.

Being a giving person is an admirable trait, but when it’s overused it can lead to relational misery. Be honest with yourself about some of the relationships you are in. Are you the only one giving? Is it possible that you are giving too much? If you are, take a deep breath, and step back a bit. Remember, a healthy balance will lead to a more healthy relationship.

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