“Opposition inflames the enthusiast, never converts him.”

-Johann Fredrick Von Schiller

Disagreement is a common everyday experience. We all come from different backgrounds and have had different experiences. We have talked to different people and visited different places. We were raised by people with their own unique beliefs and each teacher we’ve ever had came with their own unique set of beliefs and opinions. So, of course we disagree. How could we not? What is not as clear is why we are so tempted to dislike the people with whom we disagree.

We try to keep the hatred at bay. We try to keep our disagreements centered on issues, but our hatred shows itself when we stop attacking arguments and start attacking people. The exchange stops being, “your argument isn’t logical or factual” and becomes “what sort of person could believe that?!”. Why does this happen?

Everything starts with how we understand ourselves. We come to believe that our opinions aren’t just something we hold, but something that defines us. So, people who disagree with us aren’t just proving us wrong, they are proving us worthless. We feel that our very identity is under attack, so we lash out. Since we feel our person has been attacked, we feel justified in attacking or hating the other person in response.

How can we escape this toxic cycle?

Organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers a different way to view disagreements. He writes, “Disagreement often comes across as disrespect, but it can be a sign of respect. When someone argues with you, take it as a cue that they value your viewpoint. If your opinion didn’t matter to them, they wouldn’t bother to try to change it.” This sort of mindset is indeed helpful, but a lasting solution needs to go deeper.

Our only hope is to have our identity rooted in something deeper than the opinions we hold. If we believe that our value is larger than our opinions, we will feel less threatened when others disagree with us. This will allow us to disagree in good faith, avoiding ad hominem arguments, while respecting those we debate against.  It will also allow us to handle the insults and attacks of insecure people who need to feel that they have won an argument to feel good about themselves.

The process of solidifying your identity deserves more space than I can give it here. A general principle to consider is that our lives are only as stable as what we ground our identity in. If we define ourselves by our job, for instance, getting fired isn’t just discouraging, it’s crushing.

I’ll save further talk about identity for other posts, but if you want to learn more, I encourage you to check out my good friend, Neil McLamb’s website at the link below. He and his wife Melissa do a wonderful job discussing identity and related issues.

So, how do we stop hating those we disagree with? We must learn that our value runs deeper than our opinions or positions. You are more. Losing an argument isn’t fun, but losing yourself is debilitating.

May you learn to know and trust that you are more than the arguments you make and opinions you currently hold!

Grace and peace.

Neil and Melissa’s website: http://safecandc.com

The post Why We Hate Those Who Disagree With Us first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Just this week, I read two very different tweets from two Christian leaders. The first intimated that the Bible justified actions the President was considering taking with regard to foreign policy. The other stated that the Bible supported his cry that the President should be impeached. It must be confusing to watch us Christians do what we do. We seem to be all over the map. That part doesn’t bother me so much. I actually like the diversity of thought, and think that differing opinions and insights make us stronger. What is troubling to see, however, is the lack of grace and mercy that is often exhibited by both sides. I don’t believe that strong opinions are the problem. Having no opinion is not the solution. Even worse, morphing our opinions to blend with the prevailing culture would send a misleading message concerning the core truths of Christianity. So, how can we have strong opinions and still reflect the heart that Jesus is calling us to have toward the world?

Debate ideas but embrace people

There’s a big difference between challenging the ideas of others and attacking the person holding those ideas. When we attack ideas, we challenge the strength of their logic, the supporting evidence they have, and their coherence. Words like bigot, coward, fool, etc… belittles the person rather than their argument. If you can’t disagree without personally attacking someone with your words, it’s best to not engage them at all. Also, when you attack people (ad hominem arguments) you are basically admitting that you no longer know how to support your own argument.

Stand for something

Social media has popularized the “stand against”. For every 1 tweet that encourages or stands for something, there are 50 that stand against something. We aren’t sure what the right answer is, we just know that you are wrong. It’s easy to let our anger lead us to oppose the viewpoints of others, it takes more time and effort to process through what we believe, and how to best communicate it. It’s worth the time and effort.

Stay humble

You could be wrong. You have been in the past. I have been hundreds of times (this week). That’s why it’s so important to stay humble. If you have stumbled upon truth, it isn’t because you are better than everyone else, it’s because God has allowed you to find something of himself. So, why in the world would you seek to rub your “rightness” in someone else’s face?  How do you like to be treated when you find that you have been wrong about something? Remember that the next time you are right about something.

The post How To Disagree first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

It’s amazing what you can learn if you are willing to see all that goes on around you. Recently, while having a coffee in a small bakery, I noticed a mother and daughter climb out of their car and ready themselves to come in. It was a bit of a process because the daughter was unable to walk freely or control her body. MS had left her unable to speak as well. Once out of the car, she was able to plod forward slowly with the use of a walker. Two things caught my attention as I watched (while attempting to appear that I wasn’t watching). First, the mother saw only her daughter, not a child with special needs. She didn’t watch her daughter with pity, but with love. She helped when necessary, but didn’t make a fuss. She allowed her daughter to work her way through the process. She saw beyond limitations or challenges, and respected her daughter. Second, they were highly skilled communicators. After entering the bakery, the mom turned to her child and asked, “Do you want to choose what to eat or would you like for me to choose for you?” As she said this she opened first one hand, palm up, then the other. The child had a clear choice, and was able to place her hand in her mother’s open hand that represented the option to choose her own bakery item. The mother, having received her answer then turned and set about choosing a pastry for herself. It was simple and it was brilliant. There is much to be learned by their ability to communicate.

1)Keep it simple.

If you are having a communication breakdown at home, with friends, or at work, try simplifying what you are saying. Say less and be more specific. Don’t give in to the desire to give every possible detail. If more details are needed, you can share them when asked. The mother in the bakery could have asked her daughter if she wanted a scone or a doughnut. Did she want something with fruit in it or something chocolate?  Have you ever had blueberry jam on a croissant? Instead of bombarding her daughter with 2000 possible choices, she kept it simple: do you want to pick or should I choose for you?

2)Identify the purpose of the communication.

Sometimes we communicate for the simple joy of communication. At other times, we communicate for the purpose of gathering and sharing information. If both of you don’t have the same purpose in mind when you are communicating, one of you (if not both) is going to be very frustrated. It’s ok to start your conversation with, “we don’t have to settle on an answer tonight, I just want to talk it out for a bit”, or “I really need help coming up with a solution for this”.

3)Don’t double-check the conversation.

If someone gives you an answer, don’t double back over it to make sure that she is sure about what she really wants. Clarify if you don’t know, but if you hear a clear answer, respect the person who gave it to you. Resist the temptation to rephrase the question four more times. Once the mother in the bakery received an answer from her daughter, she set herself to her own task. She didn’t ask, “are you sure you can do this?” or “remember last time you chose something you didn’t like?”. She had her answer and for better or worse that was the end of it.

Communication can be difficult, but if we are willing to simplify what we say, and accept what people say to us, we can become more effective. Effectiveness in communication leads to a depth of trust in relationships. It’s worth the effort, and your relationships will be much healthier as a result.

The post Effective Communication first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I have a favorite coffee shop in town that I go to when I get stuck in a creative rut. It’s an edgy place with great coffee. Sometimes a change of environment can make a huge difference in my thinking.  I’m amazed when I go there at how all of the employees seem to be in constant motion. If they aren’t taking orders, they are making drinks. If they aren’t making drinks they are preparing food. If they aren’t preparing food, they head out amongst the patrons and wipe down any table that is open. I’ve seen them wipe the same table 3 or 4 times before anyone new comes to sit down. It’s almost impossible to sit at a messy table in that place.

It’s a good business strategy, but it’s a good relational strategy as well. Not the staying in constant motion part, but the idea of doing what you can, when you can. Sometimes we don’t recognize that our relationships are struggling until they are broken and bleeding. Waiting to invest in your relationships until there are problems is like waiting until your engine is smoking to get the oil changed in your car. By that point the damage is done, and sometimes the damage is irreparable. Doing what you can, while you can may simply be starting a conversation. It may be making sure your wife gets a break from the kids. It might be stopping what you are doing so you can watch some TV with your son. It doesn’t take much to keep relationships healthy, but it takes a ton to bring them back when they become unhealthy. Here are a couple of the benefits of doing what you can, when you can:

It Limits The Amount Of Unseen Damage That Is Being Done

One of the challenges of relationships is that the person you care for may be struggling without you ever being aware of it. Some people process internally, and they may be hurting for a long time before it becomes visible. When it does become visible, there is usually a lot of damage to address. Relating in small ways when things seem ok keeps that sort of hidden damage from festering.

It Limits The Amount Of Work Needed

My best friend and I learned an important truth in high school. Neither of us had great cars. Cars are totaled when the damage done to them exceeds the value of the car. If either of us broke a cup holder in our car, they would have been totaled. So, we both had opportunities to push our cars (into the gas station, into a rolling start, etc…). We learned the crucial lesson that it’s easier to maintain momentum than it is to create it. Getting a car rolling is a challenge (especially if your best friend’s car is made of more steel than a battleship). Once you get it rolling, however, it is easier to keep it moving. The same is true of relationships. It takes less work to keep the fire of a relationship going than it does to start a fire once it’s out. Doing what you can, when you can keeps the fire going.

It Keeps You Relationally Awake

It’s easy to lose focus and become numb to things that have an everyday presence in our life. Continuing to ask, confess, invite, and listen keeps us relationally alive. It reminds us that we have relational work to do every day. Most days that work doesn’t seem like work at all, other days it might. The way to stay relationally awake and aware is to consistently make your relationships a priority. Give the time, say the words, do the work. It will add to you relational effectiveness and enjoyment.

When you do what you can, when you can, you’ll find that a little bit of effort at the right time can go a long way. Take some time today to think about what you can do to add value to the people around you. Your relationships are worth the effort.

The post Relational Momentum first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

As we continue our series of small phrases that pack amazing relational power, we look at a third simple statement, “I don’t know”. There are few things that feel more like failure than having to admit that we don’t know the answer or what to do next. So, most of us never admit it. We push forward hoping that no one will notice that we don’t have all of the answers. We have all been trained since preschool that knowledge is power. So when we can’t figure something out, we feel powerless and afraid.  It seems like the successful people around us always know what to do next. They never seem confused or plagued with doubt.  (They don’t have all the answers either, they just appear to) This makes us even more desperate to know everything or at least to appear that we do.

The painful reality is that we do not know all of the answers. We don’t always know which path to take next. I don’t. You don’t. No one does. With that being said, admitting when we don’t know is an incredible step of honesty that can have a powerful impact in our relationships. Admitting that we don’t know it all does a few important things:

It builds trust

Like I said above, no one has all of the answers. When you pretend to, people are going to trust you less. After all, if you lie about always knowing the right thing to do, what else might you lie about? When you admit to those you love, that you don’t know what to do next, you are showing them that you care more about honesty than you do about keeping up appearances. Parents, this is especially important for you. It doesn’t take our kids long to realize that we aren’t perfect. You need to let them know that you aren’t perfect, and that it’s ok that they aren’t perfect either.

It invites collaboration

When I hit a dead end and admit that I don’t know what to do next, I make myself open to insight or direction from others. When others hear that we don’t know, they gain permission to speak into our situation. That sort of collaboration is powerful. We are always stronger together than we are alone.

It reminds us that we need each other

When you admit that you don’t know the answer to a challenge in front of you, you are reminded that you need other people in your life. No one knows all of the answers, but together we know more than we do by ourselves. Relationships are life-giving, but it’s easy to forget that in our quest for independence.  Being honest with others about what you don’t know is a great way to remember how important your relationships are.

When was the last time that you admitted that you didn’t know what to do next? There have been times when you didn’t know the right answers, but when was the last time you admitted it to the people around you? Remember, they can’t read you mind. Admitting our imperfection and limitations strengthens our relationships. Make some time this week to be honest with someone you care about.

The post I Don’t Know first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Unlike admitting that we are wrong, lots of us say “I’m sorry”. In fact, it is so often said, that it has been stripped of it’s meaning. “I’m sorry” is different than saying “I was wrong”. “I was wrong” is something we say when we examine ourselves and admit that we have made an incorrect or bad decision, or chosen damaging or false words. “I’m sorry” is what we say when we pause to consider that our wrongs can hurt others. It’s not easy to say we are sorry (and truly mean it). When we say that we are sorry, we are admitting that I am not the only one impacted by my words and actions, and that’s a scary admission. Having the courage and insight to say, “I’m sorry” reminds us of three important things:

I’m not responsible for you, but I am responsible to you.

You are not responsible for others. They alone can make their decisions and choose their paths in life. It’s dangerous to believe that you are responsible for others. You become an enabler, and weaken the very people you are hoping to help. It’s equally disastrous to fail to recognize that you are responsible to others. Being responsible to others means that we accept that we do not live in a bubble. Our decisions and words impact others for good or for bad. How we live has far reaching implications, and taking time to tell someone that we are sorry for something we have done, honors this fact, and respects that person.

Every decision/word matters

Words are free and you can throw them out however you want, but they come with a great cost. Words can encourage others or cut them off at the knees. Your actions can give others hope or lead them to give up. Every word you say matters. Every decision you make has consequences. There are thousands of people whose lives have been upended by one stray tweet, comment, or post. The news is filled with stories of leaders who must step down from their positions of authority because of one poorly made decision. Choose your words and decisions carefully. Mistakes will happen, but when you pause to make deliberate choices you are less likely to be make catastrophic decisions.

Confession has incredible power to heal

People have an amazing capacity to forgive, and because of that an incredible capacity to heal. I’ve worked with countless couples and families that have healed from deep and devastating pain, and regrouped to become stronger. When you have the courage to admit that you have hurt someone, you give them an incredible gift. They are now free to forgive if they choose, and then to heal. They get to choose what to do next, but owning whatever damage you’ve done is liberating regardless of how they choose to receive it.

If you need to tell someone you are sorry, call them and do it today. Better yet, buy them a coffee or lunch and do it face to face. We all make mistakes and will inevitably hurt others, but if we have the courage to own it, we can impact them for good as well.

The post I’m Sorry first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

My wife and I are big fans of Louise Penny’s mystery novels that center around the small Canadian town of Three Pines. They are great reads, and I highly recommend them. The main character in the novels, Inspector Gamache tells those he trains that there are four phrases that will make them great detectives. They are:

“I was wrong”

“I am sorry”

“I don’t know” and

“I need help”

I am not sure what makes for a good detective, but these concise, powerful phrases will absolutely make your relationships stronger. These phrases are so helpful, that I’ve decided to dedicate a blog post to each of them. Let’s begin with the phrase, “I was wrong”.

It’s hard to imagine a simpler statement that is any harder to say than this one. Normally, when we do get up the courage to say, “I was wrong”, it is followed by a bunch of other stuff, like:

I was wrong…but if you hadn’t said what you said, I wouldn’t have said something hurtful.

I was wrong…but it wasn’t really my fault

I was wrong…but you’ve done lots of wrong things too

When we try to explain away or rationalize why we were wrong, it strips the admission of its power.  Simply and humbly admitting that we were wrong has several benefits:

It Sets Us Free From Our Perfectionistic Tendencies

You are not perfect, and neither am I. Also, no one in their right mind would ever expect us to be perfect. Perfection isn’t possible, but we need to be reminded of that from time to time. Admitting that we were wrong about something allows us to catch our breath and remember that we can’t be right all of the time. When we no longer demand perfection of ourselves, we are able to try to be our best, which is attainable.

It Sets Others Free To Admit When They Are Wrong

When you admit that you were wrong, others are more likely to admit when they are wrong. Humility is powerful. It allows relationships to be more authentic. We are all wrong sometimes. Healthy people admit it.

It Sets You Free To Improve

Admitting you were wrong allows you to let go of the past and focus on new solutions or opportunities. When we refuse to admit when we are wrong, we dig our heels into a place that we don’t really want to be. It’s not good for anyone. When we finally admit that we were wrong, a whole world of options and alternatives become available for us to explore. Admitting that you are wrong is the first step to getting it right.

So, the next time you are wrong about something, take a deep breath and admit it. It will make you stronger, and will lead others to trust you more as well.

The post I Was Wrong first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Since there are no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. We’ve all  had our hearts broken and we’ve all been let down. We’ve hurt others and been hurt ourselves. When our relationships become strained to the breaking point, it can be difficult to know how to begin to repair the damage that has been done. Sometimes not knowing where to start can cause us to not start at all. While not all relationships can be repaired, many can. You can’t control everything in the relationships, but you can control your actions, and that’s where your focus needs to be. Here are three things to remember when you are trying to work on a difficult relationship:

Small Investments Matter

Oftentimes, when we are in a struggling relationship, we are tempted to look for the “big fix”. We want to find the one grand gesture that will make everything right again, but that’s not normally how relationships heal or grow stronger. Remember, small investments matter. Sometimes your offer of a conversation will not be accepted, but the offer still matters. Sometimes it might be thanking someone for something they have done for you, or saying a few words of appreciation for them. Don’t get so caught up in the big gestures that you overlook the important small things that help relationships heal.

Just Say It

One of the signs that a relationship is beginning to weaken is a lack of communication. Sometimes it seems difficult to say what’s really on your heart. We are quick to point out things that are wrong. The things that are broken are so painful that they are often the things we talk about if we talk at all.  But there’s more to talk about when a relationship is struggling than just the places that we aren’t satisfied with. It’s crucial to talk about the good things that are leading us to fight for the relationship in the first place. Tell you friend why they matter to you. Remind your spouse about the things that you love about them.  Words may not be able to heal everything, but they are definitely a good place to start.

I’m Sorry Means A Lot

I know that it’s not all your fault, but some of it is your fault. When you own your part of the mess, it makes everyone a little less defensive. Be specific about what you’ve done or said. Don’t explain it away, and don’t use what the other person has done as a defense for the things you’ve done. Simply own it, apologize and ask for ways that you can improve in the future.

Sometimes our relationships can appear broken in so many places that we don’t know where to start to begin repairing them. The important thing is that you do start. Odds are that it can’t be fixed in a day, but that doesn’t mean that today doesn’t matter. Small steps today are what lead to bigger steps later on.

The post How To Begin first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

We all want to feel closer to the people who are most important to us. We also want them to feel close to us. Everyone would also agree that being able to listen improves the chances that our relationships will be healthy and enjoyable. But, as critical as we know the skill of listening to be, most of us still struggle with it. So, what is it that keeps us from listening as well as we would like?

We are afraid that we have nothing of value to say.

Sometimes we do a poor job of listening to others because we are too focused on preparing what we are going to say next. We want to make sure we say the right words and avoid the wrong words, and in the meantime we haven’t heard what the other person was saying. If we want people to value what we have to say, we need to value what they are saying. We don’t need to prepare the perfect thoughts and words, we just need to be attentive. When someone feels heard, they are more likely to listen to what you have to say.

We are afraid we will hear something bad.

Sometimes we don’t listen because we are afraid of what we are going to hear. Receiving criticism is an important part of listening. Sometimes the criticism we hear is fair, and sometimes it isn’t. What matters most is that we take time to listen. Listening to criticism doesn’t mean that we agree with what is being said, it simply means that we are open to consider it. Having your words and actions critiqued can be painful, but as long as we don’t take the criticism personally, we can handle what people have to say. There’s a huge difference between hearing, “you did a lousy job on that project”, and believing, “I am a lousy person.” You are more than your performance. There is nothing you can hear that will destroy you if you don’t take it personally.

We are afraid we are going to miss something.

We are bombarded with info from news, radio, TV, and social media. There seems to be a thousand important things to hear every second of the day. With all of the options available, it’s sometimes hard to narrow our focus to one conversation at a time. We feel so pressured to stay current, that we may check our phone in the middle of a conversation, or get lost in something that’s popped up on TV. As a result we don’t listen well, and on the rare occasions that we do hear all that is being said, the person talking still doesn’t feel heard due to our lack of focus.

Listening isn’t always easy, but it’s a skill that can be developed over time with some practice, and the payoff is well worth the effort. Allow yourself to be in the moment without jumping ahead in the conversation or being distracted by another conversation somewhere else.  Not only will your relationships grow, but your enjoyment of them will as well.

The post Being Fully Present first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Our pastor at church is currently working through a series on an ancient king of Israel named Josiah. Josiah was a good king. He repaired much of the damage that his corrupt fathers and grandfathers had done to the kingdom. The full account of all that Josiah did is located in the Old Testament book of 2 Chronicles. Near the end of that account, Josiah deviates from the good decisions he had been making over the course of his life. The leader of Egypt drew near to Israelite territory with his army, and Josiah rode out to meet him. The Egyptian king realizing the misunderstanding, sent an envoy to let Josiah know that he had not come to battle him, but was engaging another enemy, one that he believed God had led him to attack. The battle had nothing to do with Josiah, but he couldn’t let it go. He dressed in a disguise and led his army to battle the troops from Egypt. During the fighting, Josiah was struck by an arrow and fatally wounded. Josiah’s life ended fighting a battle he was never intended to fight.

Do you ever fight battles you were never intended to fight?

I know that I have. Most of us reading this aren’t fighting life and death battles with real weaponry, but we battle nonetheless. We argue and battle against our kids, our spouse, political leaders, and referees at basketball games. Some of our battles are small, wrapping up in one conversation, others go on for months or years.

How do you know if the battles that you are fighting are the right battles? How can you tell if you are making a difference, or if you are pushing your friends and family away? Here are a couple of questions to consider as you try to decide which battles to fight and which to avoid:

Am I constantly battling this person?

This one is especially important for parents and kids. There are a thousand things that we want our kids to avoid, and a thousand other things that we hope they will embrace in their life. We want the best for them. We dread the thought of them choosing a life path that will lead to their own frustration and pain. This can sometimes lead to parents battling their children over every issue that comes up, often several times a day. When we correct our kids this often and never allow things to simply pass by, we are doing slow but very real damage to our relationship. Children can not handle constant correction from their parents. It’s too much. Eventually, they will learn to ignore you, if for no other reason than to avoid the stress you bring with your constant redirections. Choose your battles wisely, you can’t fight them all.

Will this battle distract from my greater goals?

I once sat across from a couple in my office whose arguments had gotten out of control. The latest battle was over whether or not they should be packing their kids lunches each day, or if the kids should pack the lunches themselves. They argued back and forth, the volume rising incrementally as the minutes passed. Finally, I asked the husband why it was so important for his wife to stop making the kids lunches. He yelled his answer, “Because I love her and I want us to have a strong relationship!” His goal of loving his wife and wanting a strong relationship was very good, but the battle he was fighting wasn’t getting him closer to his goal. Sometimes we get so caught up in the battle that we lose sight of what we really want. It’s easy to win battles only to lose the war. If you are not careful, you can actually hurt and push away the very person you believe you are fighting for.

How often am I battling those around me?

If you are constantly at odds with others, and always in a battle, it’s possible that you are fighting battles that do not need to be fought. Life isn’t about constantly challenging and correcting everyone around us. No matter how right your cause or motives may be, we were not made to fight every battle we come across. On the other hand, if you are never standing up for your opinion or what you think is right, you are mostly likely missing out on some battles that you should fight. You opinion matters, and your point of view can make your friendships and family stronger, but only if you share it.

Choosing which battles to fight in life is never easy, and we won’t do it perfectly. We need to carefully think through which battles need our attention and which don’t need us at all. The way we choose our battles will often determine the quality of life we enjoy.

The post Battle Fatigue first appeared on Michael Ramsey.