I grew up in a small town in the mountains of western North Carolina. Every home town has its own unique set of rules. In my town (and the south in general), we were taught to say, “I’m sorry”. If we had done something wrong, or if anyone thought we had done something wrong, we said the words. It didn’t matter whether or not we were actually sorry for what we had done. Saying, “I’m sorry”, was just what you were expected to do. Better to force the words out now, than deal with mom and dad later.

I’ve noticed that as adults many of us haven’t gotten any better with our forced apologies. Lots of people still do and say hurtful things and then toss out an “I’m sorry”, as if it will make everything better. Some people believe that the words “I’m sorry” are magical words that take away all of the consequences of their behavior.

It’s understandable. Nobody likes to hurt someone or make a mistake. When we realize that we have, we want to get past it as quickly as possible. As painful as it may be, however, a quick “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. Here are a couple of things to remember that will allow you to relate in a better way when you’ve hurt someone:

Explain Why You’re Sorry

I’m sorry or I apologize is only the beginning of a what needs to be a longer sentence. If you’ve messed up, be honest and own what you’ve done. Be clear about what it is that you are apologizing for. If you aren’t sure what you’ve done, don’t just say “I’m sorry” to get the tension to go away. Ask what you’ve done, and if it was wrong, apologize for it. Also, take a second and think about how your words or actions have affected the person you have wronged. When someone believes that you understand how they feel, they are more likely to forgive you and move forward in the relationship.

Make a Visible Change

Words are good. Actions are better. If you have hurt someone, as much as you are able, do something to set things right. We won’t always be able to make things right, but when we can we should try. Also, once you’ve apologized for something, you should work hard to avoid repeating that behavior. Saying, “I’m sorry” only to repeat what you did over and over again is pointless. If there is nothing that you feel you need to change, you probably shouldn’t be apologizing. Which brings us to the third point:

If You Aren’t Sorry, Don’t Apologize

Apologizing isn’t a tool to make conflict go away. It is a way of acknowledging what is or is not acceptable in your relationship. If your spouse doesn’t like how loudly you play your music, but you see no problem with it, don’t apologize just to end the tension. If you apologize you are saying that playing your music loudly is wrong and that you don’t plan to do it again, which is probably not what you are really saying. You are saying, “I want you to stop being mad, and I plan to play my music again when you are not so mad.” Having those hard conversations about what we feel is acceptable and what is not in our relationships is one of the things that make relationships strong. So don’t avoid it!

Having the courage to own what we’ve done and apologize is an essential relationship skill. It’s more than saying “I’m sorry”. As hard as it is, owning what we’ve done wrong can strengthen our relationships. So, be sorry if you must, but be honest no matter what. Your relationships will grow because of it!

The post The Essentials for Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

While studying at seminary, I attended a local church. I enrolled in an evangelism class they offered that would study a curriculum and then go door to door in surrounding neighborhoods. The thought of it terrified me. I am an introvert by nature, and the idea of going to a stranger’s home unannounced seemed incredibly difficult. At that time however, I felt that spiritual growth involved doing difficult things, so I joined the class.

We were given a large green binder, packed with possible scenarios and sample conversations that we could practice. There were cards with verses on them to memorize and homework to complete each week. Once we had mastered the material, we would meet weekly for a semester, split in groups of three or four and evangelize the community.

There was one main question that we were to work toward in our conversations:“One day, long from now, when you die, if you were to meet God and He were to ask you, ‘why should I let you into my heaven?’ what would you answer?” It was designed to bring the conversation to a point of decision. Was this person a Christian? Did they think they were a Christian, but were mistaken? I knew the answer we were looking for because I had the large green binder, and we were trained to address any answer that didn’t fit what the binder said we should expect. Years removed from those door-to-door days, I have been thinking more about that question and how it must have sounded to the unsuspecting soccer moms and retirees we encountered.

Why should I let you into my heaven?

If God were to meet me after death and ask me that question, I think I would be taken aback. After all, it doesn’t really fit the way that God has related to me throughout my life. Jesus instructed his followers to refer to God as “our” Father.  My experience with God has been with a Father who welcomed me in spite of my poor answers and unworthy behavior. He welcomed prayers from me when my motives for praying were flawed. He welcomed my efforts to serve others, even though they were sporadic and often self-serving. The question we were taught to ask looked for a rational, logical answer to a question that has little to do with reason and logic. It would be like summarizing our life together by asking my daughter, “and why should I include you in my will?”. The question isn’t relational or familial. It’s more like a question you would field when interviewing for a new job, rather than when talking with your Father.

None of the biblical writers gave us a clear list of the order of events we should expect after dying. My thoughts about what it will be like are only a guess, like everyone else. I imagine that Peter will be there to announce those arriving in the afterlife. “Ok, this is Michael Ramsey, the one from North Carolina”. At which point, God will say, “oh yes, we’ve been friends for quite a while, in fact, he’s like a son to me. Welcome home.” At this point, I feel sure I will feel ashamed at how poor a friend I’d actually been. Wondering how I could be welcomed after somehow managing to resemble both the prodigal son and the legalistic older brother from Jesus’ famous story. God will then talk about the weak and overlooked people that I’ve managed to help along the way. But I’ll know deep in my heart that I’m not worthy of any compliments or congratulations. I will know that I am there for one reason and one reason only: God’s good grace.

I’m not sure if any of our door to door efforts years ago helped anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. God always seems to produce something good out of my poor and clumsy efforts. I hope that those people have found the same welcoming, grace-filled God that I know. He is bigger than our incomplete answers and broken obedience. He patience seems to know no bounds. If they have met that God then I know that they are looking forward to meeting him face to face just as I am, not because of our worthiness. I’m not worthy, no one is.  But because of His grace and love.

The post Seeking Answers and Finding Relationship first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I grew up in a small town in the mountains of western North Carolina. Every home town has its own unique set of rules that seem to be relatively constant throughout the area. In my hometown (and the south in general), we were taught to say, “I’m sorry”. If we had done something wrong, or if anyone thought we had done something wrong, we said, “I’m sorry”. We said it whether we were sorry or not. We said it because we knew that choking out the words, “I’m sorry” now was better than dealing with mom or dad when we got home.   

I’ve noticed that as adults many of us haven’t gotten any better with our forced apologies. Lots of people still do and say hurtful things and then toss out an “I’m sorry”, as if it will make everything better. Some people believe that the words “I’m sorry” are magical words that take away all of the consequences of their behavior.

Nobody likes to hurt someone or make a mistake. When we realize that we have, we want to get past it as quickly as possible. As painful as it may be, however, a quick “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. Here are a couple of things to remember that will allow you to relate in a better way when you’ve hurt someone:

Explain Why You’re Sorry

I’m sorry or I apologize is the only the beginning of a what needs to be a longer sentence. If you’ve messed up, be honest and own what you’ve done. Be clear about what it is you are apologizing for. If you aren’t sure what you’ve done, don’t just say “I’m sorry” to get the tension to go away. Ask what you’ve done, and if it was wrong, apologize for it. Also, take a second and think about how your words or actions have affected the person you have wronged. When someone believes that you understand how they feel, they are more likely to forgive you and move forward in the relationship.

Make a Visible Change

Words are good. Actions are better. If you have hurt someone, as much as you are able, do something to set things right. We won’t always be able to make things right, but when we can we should try. Also, once you’ve apologized for something, you should work hard to avoid repeating that behavior. Saying, “I’m sorry” only to repeat what you did over and over again is pointless. If there is nothing that you feel you need to change, you probably shouldn’t be apologizing. Which brings us to the third point:

If You Aren’t Sorry, Don’t Apologize

Apologizing isn’t a tool to make conflict go away. It is a way of acknowledging what is or is not acceptable in your relationship. If your spouse doesn’t like how loudly you play your music, but you see no problem with it, don’t apologize just to end the tension. If you apologize you are saying that playing your music loudly is wrong and that you don’t plan to do it again, which is probably not what you are really saying. You are saying, “I want you to stop being mad, and I plan to play my music again when you are not so mad.” Having those hard conversations about what we feel is acceptable and what is not in our relationships is one of the things that make relationships strong. So don’t avoid it! 

Having the courage to own what we’ve done and apologize is an impressive relationship skill. It’s more than saying “I’m sorry”. As hard as it is, owning what we’ve done wrong can strengthen our relationships. So, be sorry if you must, but be honest no matter what. Your relationships will grow because of it!

The post The Gift of a Good Apology first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Unlike admitting that we are wrong, lots of us say “I’m sorry”. In fact, it is so often said, that it has been stripped of it’s meaning. “I’m sorry” is different than saying “I was wrong”. “I was wrong” is something we say when we examine ourselves and admit that we have made an incorrect or bad decision, or chosen damaging or false words. “I’m sorry” is what we say when we pause to consider that our wrongs can hurt others. It’s not easy to say we are sorry (and truly mean it). When we say that we are sorry, we are admitting that I am not the only one impacted by my words and actions, and that’s a scary admission. Having the courage and insight to say, “I’m sorry” reminds us of three important things:

I’m not responsible for you, but I am responsible to you.

You are not responsible for others. They alone can make their decisions and choose their paths in life. It’s dangerous to believe that you are responsible for others. You become an enabler, and weaken the very people you are hoping to help. It’s equally disastrous to fail to recognize that you are responsible to others. Being responsible to others means that we accept that we do not live in a bubble. Our decisions and words impact others for good or for bad. How we live has far reaching implications, and taking time to tell someone that we are sorry for something we have done, honors this fact, and respects that person.

Every decision/word matters

Words are free and you can throw them out however you want, but they come with a great cost. Words can encourage others or cut them off at the knees. Your actions can give others hope or lead them to give up. Every word you say matters. Every decision you make has consequences. There are thousands of people whose lives have been upended by one stray tweet, comment, or post. The news is filled with stories of leaders who must step down from their positions of authority because of one poorly made decision. Choose your words and decisions carefully. Mistakes will happen, but when you pause to make deliberate choices you are less likely to be make catastrophic decisions.

Confession has incredible power to heal

People have an amazing capacity to forgive, and because of that an incredible capacity to heal. I’ve worked with countless couples and families that have healed from deep and devastating pain, and regrouped to become stronger. When you have the courage to admit that you have hurt someone, you give them an incredible gift. They are now free to forgive if they choose, and then to heal. They get to choose what to do next, but owning whatever damage you’ve done is liberating regardless of how they choose to receive it.

If you need to tell someone you are sorry, call them and do it today. Better yet, buy them a coffee or lunch and do it face to face. We all make mistakes and will inevitably hurt others, but if we have the courage to own it, we can impact them for good as well.

The post I’m Sorry first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

My wife and I are big fans of Louise Penny’s mystery novels that center around the small Canadian town of Three Pines. They are great reads, and I highly recommend them. The main character in the novels, Inspector Gamache tells those he trains that there are four phrases that will make them great detectives. They are:

“I was wrong”

“I am sorry”

“I don’t know” and

“I need help”

I am not sure what makes for a good detective, but these concise, powerful phrases will absolutely make your relationships stronger. These phrases are so helpful, that I’ve decided to dedicate a blog post to each of them. Let’s begin with the phrase, “I was wrong”.

It’s hard to imagine a simpler statement that is any harder to say than this one. Normally, when we do get up the courage to say, “I was wrong”, it is followed by a bunch of other stuff, like:

I was wrong…but if you hadn’t said what you said, I wouldn’t have said something hurtful.

I was wrong…but it wasn’t really my fault

I was wrong…but you’ve done lots of wrong things too

When we try to explain away or rationalize why we were wrong, it strips the admission of its power.  Simply and humbly admitting that we were wrong has several benefits:

It Sets Us Free From Our Perfectionistic Tendencies

You are not perfect, and neither am I. Also, no one in their right mind would ever expect us to be perfect. Perfection isn’t possible, but we need to be reminded of that from time to time. Admitting that we were wrong about something allows us to catch our breath and remember that we can’t be right all of the time. When we no longer demand perfection of ourselves, we are able to try to be our best, which is attainable.

It Sets Others Free To Admit When They Are Wrong

When you admit that you were wrong, others are more likely to admit when they are wrong. Humility is powerful. It allows relationships to be more authentic. We are all wrong sometimes. Healthy people admit it.

It Sets You Free To Improve

Admitting you were wrong allows you to let go of the past and focus on new solutions or opportunities. When we refuse to admit when we are wrong, we dig our heels into a place that we don’t really want to be. It’s not good for anyone. When we finally admit that we were wrong, a whole world of options and alternatives become available for us to explore. Admitting that you are wrong is the first step to getting it right.

So, the next time you are wrong about something, take a deep breath and admit it. It will make you stronger, and will lead others to trust you more as well.

The post I Was Wrong first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Last week was another amazing week at Mission Serve. Mission Serve is an organization that brings together student groups from multiple states to join together to impact people in need in various communities. Last week over 250 students and leaders gathered in Robbinsville, NC to help build handicap ramps, put new shingles on homes, and paint and repair as needed. It was an amazing week that proved what teenagers today are capable of.

During a special prayer service last week, we meditated on a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me and instrument of your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, let me grant pardon;

Where there is doubt; let me have faith

Where there is despair, let me bring hope

Where there is darkness, let me be light

And where there is sadness, let me bring joy.

It’s a simple prayer, written over 800 years ago, but it still resonates powerfully for our world today. The most common reaction we have as people is to hate those who hate us, to return injury for injury. We get dragged under by waves of doubt, and allow despair to cloud our vision. St. Francis’ prayer is a reminder that our faith is not to be reactionary. If we wait to react to what the world around us does, we will end up making decisions that are not consistent with what we say we believe. The Christian life is a proactive life.

Loving those who hate us is only possible if we commit ahead of time to love. Our natural reaction when we are hated is to become defensive and to strike back. It’s only when we anticipate that hatred will come at times, and decide long before it arrives to meet it with love, that we have any chance of sowing love where hatred exists.

I would love for my life to be defined by peace, love, forgiveness, hope, light, and joy. But the only chance we have to embrace those things is to determine ahead of time that they will be our goal. An amazing thing about proactivity is that it eventually improves our reactivity. When we embrace joy and love and forgiveness over time, it begins to be our new normal. When that happens we are more likely to handle those unexpected challenges that life throws at us more effectively.

The post Let Me Bring Peace first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

The post Why Saying “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Working Anymore: How To Apologize In A Relational Way first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

The post Is Your Past Controlling Your Present? first appeared on Michael Ramsey.