The last essential for healthy relationships is a three-step process that will help you avoid relational disasters. Most broken hearts come from trusting people that later turn out to be untrustworthy. We have invested so much of our selves at that point, that ending the relationship is incredibly painful. Many people try to prolong the relationship which normally ends in even more pain. There are three simple steps that will allow you to avoid this painful fate.

Step One: Let your priorities determine your time.

We all have limitations. We can only have a limited number of relationships. Also, not all relationships deserve an equal amount of our time and attention. If you want to have a healthy relational life, you have to prioritize your relationships. Which relationships are most important to you? Those relationships should get a greater amount of time than your other relationships. Time is the life blood of relationships. The more time you spend in a relationship, the stronger it is able to be.

Step Two: Let time determine your trust.

Trust is a gift. It’s not a right. When you give trust to people who are untrustworthy, bad things happen. You must choose wisely where you place your trust. Don’t trust people just because they feel trustworthy, and don’t trust people as a way to speed up the relationship. Trust the people who have proven trustworthy over time. If you are patient, people will show you who they truly are. Don’t rush things when it comes to trust!

Step Three: Let trust determine your intimacy.

Intimacy or closeness grows in relationships as we share more about ourselves with another person. You can’t be close to everyone. How do you know who to share more of yourself with? Find the person who keeps your secrets and respects your space. Find someone who doesn’t gossip, but is ready to show up when you need them. In short, find the most trustworthy person in your life. Many times we force intimacy with others because we are lonely or impatient. That is a recipe for disaster. Intimacy should be a result of trust that has been established over time.

In summary, allow your relational priorities to determine where you spend your time. Your time is valuable and should be spent in the places and with the people most important to you. Next, allow time to determine who you trust. Anyone can be honest for a week or a month. Trustworthy people prove themselves over long periods of time. And finally, choose to be more open and honest with the people in your life who are most trustworthy. Close intimate relationships are precious and very rare. Don’t force intimacy where it is not earned or valued. Following these three straightforward steps are essential to forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Choose wisely, work diligently, and relate well!

The post The Essentials For Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I grew up in a small town in the mountains of western North Carolina. Every home town has its own unique set of rules. In my town (and the south in general), we were taught to say, “I’m sorry”. If we had done something wrong, or if anyone thought we had done something wrong, we said the words. It didn’t matter whether or not we were actually sorry for what we had done. Saying, “I’m sorry”, was just what you were expected to do. Better to force the words out now, than deal with mom and dad later.

I’ve noticed that as adults many of us haven’t gotten any better with our forced apologies. Lots of people still do and say hurtful things and then toss out an “I’m sorry”, as if it will make everything better. Some people believe that the words “I’m sorry” are magical words that take away all of the consequences of their behavior.

It’s understandable. Nobody likes to hurt someone or make a mistake. When we realize that we have, we want to get past it as quickly as possible. As painful as it may be, however, a quick “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. Here are a couple of things to remember that will allow you to relate in a better way when you’ve hurt someone:

Explain Why You’re Sorry

I’m sorry or I apologize is only the beginning of a what needs to be a longer sentence. If you’ve messed up, be honest and own what you’ve done. Be clear about what it is that you are apologizing for. If you aren’t sure what you’ve done, don’t just say “I’m sorry” to get the tension to go away. Ask what you’ve done, and if it was wrong, apologize for it. Also, take a second and think about how your words or actions have affected the person you have wronged. When someone believes that you understand how they feel, they are more likely to forgive you and move forward in the relationship.

Make a Visible Change

Words are good. Actions are better. If you have hurt someone, as much as you are able, do something to set things right. We won’t always be able to make things right, but when we can we should try. Also, once you’ve apologized for something, you should work hard to avoid repeating that behavior. Saying, “I’m sorry” only to repeat what you did over and over again is pointless. If there is nothing that you feel you need to change, you probably shouldn’t be apologizing. Which brings us to the third point:

If You Aren’t Sorry, Don’t Apologize

Apologizing isn’t a tool to make conflict go away. It is a way of acknowledging what is or is not acceptable in your relationship. If your spouse doesn’t like how loudly you play your music, but you see no problem with it, don’t apologize just to end the tension. If you apologize you are saying that playing your music loudly is wrong and that you don’t plan to do it again, which is probably not what you are really saying. You are saying, “I want you to stop being mad, and I plan to play my music again when you are not so mad.” Having those hard conversations about what we feel is acceptable and what is not in our relationships is one of the things that make relationships strong. So don’t avoid it!

Having the courage to own what we’ve done and apologize is an essential relationship skill. It’s more than saying “I’m sorry”. As hard as it is, owning what we’ve done wrong can strengthen our relationships. So, be sorry if you must, but be honest no matter what. Your relationships will grow because of it!

The post The Essentials for Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

In his 1858 U.S. Senate campaign Abraham Lincoln quoted Jesus in a speech by saying that, “a house divided against itself cannot stand”. That statement is as profound as it is simple. It was as true for America during that time as it was when Jesus spoke those words to religious leaders almost 2000 years ago. Sadly, the message still hasn’t been fully embraced. Even today, Christians seem obsessed with dividing.

I’m not talking about denominational divides. There’s nothing wrong with distinctives among various churches. If a variety of ways of worshipping God and serving others allows a greater number of people to become more fully involved in God’s family, then I’m all for it. No, the problem I am referring to comes when we fail to respect those with different denominational backgrounds or political leanings. We have allowed our differences to make us suspicious of each other, and we are paying a heavy relational price as a result. I’ll never forget visiting a church in college and being surprised that the talk for that evening was entitled, “Why We Are Not Methodists”. Many Christians try to establish their identity by denouncing people with whom they disagree.

If we insist on defining ourselves by what makes us different rather than what we have in common, we will continue to be divided and combative. There’s nothing wrong with being different, but there is everything wrong with disliking those who are different. Jesus said that his followers would be known for how well they loved each other, not how well they divided into groups of similar preferences. Loving each other in spite of our differences should be our goal. Instead, we seem set on creating little pockets of sameness where our thoughts are never challenged and our love is dependent on our doctrinal agreement. This leads to three large problems:

We never learn how to disagree well.

Having honest conversations that include grace-filled disagreement isn’t easy. It takes practice. Anyone can argue and insult. Jesus has called Christians to a higher standard. We can disagree and debate, but insults have no place in our faith. Jesus insisted that we not simply put up with each other, but that we love each other. We can only learn that skill if we are committed to being in environments with people who don’t see eye-to-eye with us.

We foster and ignore massive blind spots.

Each person has unique experiences and insight. No person has had all possible experiences, nor does anyone have perfect insight. Therefore, it’s natural for every person to have limited knowledge. There are things we don’t know and haven’t experienced yet. That’s not the problem. The problem is that we don’t know what we don’t know. Of course we don’t! That’s the point. Having blind spots isn’t a lack of diligence or intelligence. It’s part of the human condition. Everyone has blind spots. Healthy people are those who choose to surround themselves with people who are different enough from them that they can identify those blind spots and shine light on them. If we all see life the same way, we will all likely miss the same things as well.

We assume we can have truth apart from love.

We should be good students of the Bible and the Christian life. We should seek to grow in our knowledge and act on what we know. But if what we think we know limits who we love, then our knowledge is useless. First century Christian leader Paul said it like this,” And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:2). In our search for truth, we must remember that one of the identifying marks of truth is that it increases our love for all people.

When Jesus instructed all Christians to love each other, he wasn’t just encouraging us to be polite while we seek doctrinal understanding. He was saying that our search for truth will never be successful unless it is bathed in love for others. Loving those different from us isn’t just a nice idea, it’s an essential component of the truth we seek.

The post The Way Forward first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

One of the most frustrating things about being a pastor are those moments when you teach about things that you struggle with the most. I actually believe that our most powerful teachings come from our most honest struggles, but it’s still no fun. I experienced this last week, when a small group gathered and we discussed the concept of margin.

I’m not sure if he coined the term or just illuminated it, but Richard Swenson’s book Margin is incredibly instructive. Margin is intentionally built-in empty space. There is margin on the pages of the books we read, for example.  Empty white space encircles the typed words on the page. This makes the book more aesthetically pleasing and more readable. It also protects against losing some of the writing if a corner of the book is damaged.

Our lives need margin as well. Our days are often filled with activity and busyness from the time our eyes pop open until we close them again late that night for sleep. We live at our limits financially and relationally, eventually paying the price for it.

We need space that is not filled with a list of things to do or places to go. We need space to unwind and to think without the pressing need to be productive. Jesus, who was incredibly productive during this three years of public ministry, often withdrew by himself for time away. He would leave massive crowds who were gathered to hear him in order to be alone for a bit.

If Jesus needed margin, then we do as well. It’s impossible to be “on” all of the time. Spending all of the time, money, and energy we have isn’t living fully, it’s living dangerously. Not only does a built in “cushion” protect us, it often makes life more productive and enjoyable. Creating margin can be difficult, however, mostly because it often involves saying “no” to people we want to impress. It requires courage to set boundaries in your life, here are a couple of tips that may help:

Start Small. It’s unrealistic to think that you can open up an hour of your day everyday to be alone or 10% of your income to drop into savings right away. It’s almost impossible to go from no margin to large blocks of it. If we set unrealistic expectations, we become discouraged when we aren’t able to maintain or achieve them, and often quit altogether. So, start small.

Remember that “no” is relationally healthy. If there is someone in your life that you can’t say “no” to then that relationship isn’t healthy. Good relationships can handle hearing the word “no”. Saying “no” in the right ways sets boundaries in relationships that make them stronger and will improve you connection with others in the long run.

Start today. Remember that we all plan to do all sorts of great things one day. One day, however, rarely comes. So, start now, make a plan, and give it a go. Check back here for upcoming posts about how and where to create margin in your life!

The post Creating Space For Life first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing.

Andrew Peterson is a singer, songwriter with an unusual voice, and deep, thought-provoking lyrics. In “The Silence of God” Peterson sings, “if a man is forced to listen to the voices of the mob, who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they’ve got”. In our world, social media, and 24 hour news cycles have made the voices of the mob incredibly loud. You can imagine mobs from the old west, gathering with pitchforks and torches to see that someone is punished for their perceived crimes. Only instead of pitchforks and torches, mobs today wield keyboards and cameras. And they love nothing more than seeing someone fail.

Justice is important, but vengeance is toxic. If we are serious about loving others well, we have to not rejoice when they stumble. Our own insecurities and failures make us eager to see others fail as well, so we can feel better about ourselves. Most of us believe that others will love us only if we perform well. So, when we don’t perform well, our only hope is that others will perform poorly too. Maybe we can be loved, even when we fail, if our failures aren’t quite as bad as other people’s failures.

But love doesn’t work that way. In the words of William Shakespeare, “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark” (Sonnet 116). Love is bigger than our performance, which means that our failures are not catastrophic. It also means that the failures of others are not either.

God has called for us to love the world, not catalogue their failures. If we are able to desire the best for others and to hope that they succeed in amazing ways, we are a step closer to loving them well, and to becoming more whole ourselves.

The post Learning To Love Well first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

The Jewish leaders gathered around the site of the execution. If there was ever a time to rethink or doubt their course of action this was it. Instead, they boasted with confidence, “he saved others, if he really is who he says he is, let him save himself”. This scene from the final moments of Jesus’ life has always struck me as strange. First, the leaders are admitting that he has “saved others”. “Yeah we know that he has changed the lives of all sorts of people. We’ll give you that he has healed sick people. We can’t even deny that Lazarus is alive and walking around thanks to Jesus, but we feel justified in what we are doing because he can’t save himself.”

Most everyone in our world today can relate to those Jewish leaders two millennia ago. We can’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t be primarily concerned with their own self-interest. The only reason we can imagine that someone would not look out for themselves is if they didn’t have the power to do so. So, if Jesus wasn’t saving himself, he must not have had the power to do so.

One of the most powerful disciplines Christians are called to embrace is to live a life of self-sacrifice for the good of others. It runs counter to our normal instinct. But, if love is our highest calling, then there is nothing more noble than spending ourselves for the good of others. Here’s a couple of things to remember when it comes to self-sacrifice:

1)Choose Who

There are times when sacrificing your own comforts to help others can actually make things worse. Some people may be avoiding responsibility for their lives and well-being, if that’s the case, then stepping in to solve problems for them may only exacerbate their struggles. That would not be for “their good” at all.

2)Choose When

God calls us to give our time, energy, money, etc. for the good of those in need. He also calls us to times of rest and replenishment. It’s impossible to be “on” all of the time. By stopping from time to time, we are able to create space for God to care for us. These pauses also keep us from becoming dependent on coming through for others.

Self-sacrifice doesn’t make sense apart from the life and calling of Jesus. It’s impossible to love in that way, unless you know and enjoy the love that Jesus offers to you. I hope that you’ve been able to enjoy that love, you were created for it!

The post The Least Expected first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I love it when autumn arrives each year. There are a thousand things I love about fall, the cool mornings, pumpkin flavored things, and of course, college football. It doesn’t matter who is playing. I just love the games. I love the bands on the field at halftime, and the great environment on campus on gameday Saturdays. Everyone has teams you support and many of us have teams that we cheer against. For many people we root against the rivals of our favorite school, which makes sense. Several years ago I noticed that I had teams that I hoped would lose each and every Saturday, but they weren’t really rivals of my alma mater. The names of those teams aren’t important (Tennessee, Penn State, and Arkansas), what matters is where that strange dislike came from. Was I allergic to that horrific UT orange? Did a razorback chase me as a child? I couldn’t figure it out until my brother enlightened me. When I asked him about it, he answered matter-of-factly, “Pop hated those teams”. My Dad was a college football fan as well, and watching games with him on Saturdays will be a memory I wrap my arms around for the rest of my life. I don’t remember him disliking those teams or saying anything about it. I guess I just absorbed my dislike of those teams from him somehow without fully realizing it.

I think we all absorb things from our fathers. Even when we don’t realize or fully appreciate it. It may be something as simple as how we hold a fork or something as prominent as our quick temper. Early Jewish and Christian writers described God as a Father. I think we all absorb things from him as well, even if our relationship with him isn’t very good. I think one of the most important jobs for Christians today, is to look for those glimpses of our Father in each other. Not only do we need to find it in other Christians, but in those who do not embrace the Christian faith. Glimpses of unexplained goodness. Patience that appears out of nowhere. Kindness, forgiveness, and mercy are all things we have absorbed from our Father. There’s no other explanation for their presence in our lives. When we take the time to look for those things in others, we are able to care for them more fully. We are less likely to make enemies of them, tearing them down with our words. They are family after all. Even if they haven’t realized it yet.

There aren’t many people left living who knew my Dad well enough to tell me if they see him in me still. I hope I reflect him. Even more than that I hope I am able to reflect my Father in heaven, even if it’s a dim reflection at times. Also, I hope we can all find that reflection in each other, however dim it may be. May it lead us to be more patient, more gracious, and less willing to give up on each other.

The post Can You See The Reflection? first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Parenting isn’t easy.

Ok, you already knew that, but it’s something that’s super easy to forget. If you aren’t careful you will look back and beat yourself up a bit for the mistakes you’ve made, rather than just addressing them and moving on. One of my biggest mistakes during my single Dad years involved hurrying. We were always busy, with 15 things to accomplish each day. We bounced from school to home to church to dance and then back to home for a little sleep so we could do it all over again the next day. Having a lot going on (especially during the teenage years) isn’t a bad thing. But there’s a healthy way to handle our packed schedules and some less than healthy ways. Here are a couple of thoughts that may help:

Hurry Is The Enemy

You can be efficient without hurrying. I used to hurry my daughter all of the time, and I regret it so much now. Yes, there are times when we need to be certain places, but there also needs to be times when we can catch our breath and walk more slowly. If every meal you have is in the car on the way to someplace else, you may be doing it wrong. I’ve heard this quote attributed to several sources, but I first heard it from John Wooden who taught his young basketball players to “be quick, but don’t hurry”. It’s good advice.

Doing More Isn’t Always Best

Just because four extracurricular activities look good on college applications doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice the sanity of your family to do them all. You can play baseball without being on 4 different travel teams and you can prep for college without taking 6 AP courses every semester. Sometimes doing more simply makes us more tired and more frustrated. Don’t be afraid to allow yourself (and your family) to do less.

Know When To Say No

It’s not easy to say “no”. Sometimes it feels like failing. But, if you are saying yes to things that will ultimately add unneeded stress to your family, then “no” isn’t failing, it’s a life preserver. Every activity seems important. Every teacher is sure her class is the most important, and every coach knows that his team is the one you most need to play on. They won’t say “no” for you, you are going to have to do it yourself.

You can be busy without hurrying all of the time. Hurry is stressful and over time it will lessen your enjoyment of the activities you are in. So, for your sake and for your family, don’t be afraid to slow down from time to time!

The post Less Can Be More first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I lost therefore I am a loser.

I failed therefore I am a failure.

Those statements seem to make sense don’t they?  If you failed, doesn’t that make you a failure? The phrases may seem logical, but they can be incredibly destructive. Using your performance at a particular moment (I failed the test. I lost the game.) to determine your identity is not always honest.

I’ve become hopelessly addicted to the GPS app on my phone. I use it anytime I travel any distance from home. I even use it when I’m close to home just to make sure I am taking the quickest route to where I want to go. Even with GPS it’s easy to miss turns and get lost. We lose focus, turn a bit too early, or get caught up singing Taylor Swift songs to the top of our lungs and fail to hear the notification to take the next left. (not that I’ve ever done the third one).

We all take wrong turns, but that’s different from having a malfunctioning GPS. If we simply take a wrong turn, our GPS can “recalculate” a new route that will get us to where we want to go. It may take a bit longer, but we will eventually arrive at our destination.  If our GPS is broken, however, it will continue to give us wrong information, and we will never arrive at our intended location.

We all make mistakes, fail, sin, or lose at times in life.  Even though it’s not enjoyable, we can learn from our missteps. We pick ourselves up and try again. Believing that we are a loser or a failure is very different. What we believe to be true about ourselves directs every turn we make in life. Like a malfunctioning GPS, false beliefs will lead us off course.  If you believe that you are broken or a failure or unlovable, then you will live a broken life.

The message of the Bible is that God doesn’t believe that you are unlovable or irreparably broken. The Christian life is one in which we daily attempt to believe the truth that God is telling us about life and ourselves. We are loved, and God wants to repair our brokenness and then employ us to reach other broken people. It’s almost too good to believe. The question that I often return to may be one that you need to ask yourself as well: “Is my GPS broken?” Have I begun to believe things about myself that aren’t true? There are lots of voices in the world trying to make us doubt our value. We must block out those toxic voices and listen for the true voice of God speaking into our hearts.

Eugene Peterson writes, “All the waters in the ocean cannot sink a ship unless it gets inside. Nor can all the trouble in the world harm us unless it gets within us.”  You can lose your job, fail in a relationship, get passed over for a promotion, and a thousand other things in life, but none of them will crush you if are able to remember that your identity isn’t the same as your performance. Your performance will fluctuate, but what God thinks of you will never change. So, keep an eye on your inner GPS, and remember that the God of the universe is on your side.

Excerpt from “A Long Obedience In The Same Direction” by Eugene Peterson

The post When Your Inner GPS Is Broken first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Just this week, I read two very different tweets from two Christian leaders. The first intimated that the Bible justified actions the President was considering taking with regard to foreign policy. The other stated that the Bible supported his cry that the President should be impeached. It must be confusing to watch us Christians do what we do. We seem to be all over the map. That part doesn’t bother me so much. I actually like the diversity of thought, and think that differing opinions and insights make us stronger. What is troubling to see, however, is the lack of grace and mercy that is often exhibited by both sides. I don’t believe that strong opinions are the problem. Having no opinion is not the solution. Even worse, morphing our opinions to blend with the prevailing culture would send a misleading message concerning the core truths of Christianity. So, how can we have strong opinions and still reflect the heart that Jesus is calling us to have toward the world?

Debate ideas but embrace people

There’s a big difference between challenging the ideas of others and attacking the person holding those ideas. When we attack ideas, we challenge the strength of their logic, the supporting evidence they have, and their coherence. Words like bigot, coward, fool, etc… belittles the person rather than their argument. If you can’t disagree without personally attacking someone with your words, it’s best to not engage them at all. Also, when you attack people (ad hominem arguments) you are basically admitting that you no longer know how to support your own argument.

Stand for something

Social media has popularized the “stand against”. For every 1 tweet that encourages or stands for something, there are 50 that stand against something. We aren’t sure what the right answer is, we just know that you are wrong. It’s easy to let our anger lead us to oppose the viewpoints of others, it takes more time and effort to process through what we believe, and how to best communicate it. It’s worth the time and effort.

Stay humble

You could be wrong. You have been in the past. I have been hundreds of times (this week). That’s why it’s so important to stay humble. If you have stumbled upon truth, it isn’t because you are better than everyone else, it’s because God has allowed you to find something of himself. So, why in the world would you seek to rub your “rightness” in someone else’s face?  How do you like to be treated when you find that you have been wrong about something? Remember that the next time you are right about something.

The post How To Disagree first appeared on Michael Ramsey.