Many people think that by adopting the opinions and values of another person, they are strengthening their relationship. The more we agree about, the better off we are, right?

Not exactly.

Agreeing on things is great, but when it comes to relationships, authenticity is more important than similarity. When people don’t have a clear sense of who they are, they are in danger of becoming whoever they are around. This is true of all relationships. We may become like the person we are in dating, or we may rebel and try to be unlike our parents in every way possible. Either way, we have failed to be who we truly are, and our relationships will be fragile and unhealthy. After all, how can you relate to others in an honest way when you aren’t even sure who you are?

Here are a couple of tips that will help you be your authentic self in your relationships:

Have your own opinions

This is harder than it sounds. We live in a culture that prizes sameness of thought and demonizes dissent. It’s not easy to maintain your opinion when it isn’t popular with the masses. But having your own opinions is the only way to bring something unique into your relationships. If your friends need you to mirror all of their opinions, then you need new friends.

Have your own values

Values run deeper than opinions. Opinions change rather easily over time as we learn more and grow. Values are the roots that ground us and give direction to our life. They can change over time as well, but less often. Your values are your core beliefs about what makes life important. Your values are too important to defer to whoever you are in a relationship with.

Be open, but honest.

Being authentic doesn’t mean shutting down everyone who is different from you. It’s important to listen to others. After all, they get to have their opinions and values as well. Listen to others and seek to understand them, but be brave enough to be honest about what you think as well. Be respectful. (This should go without saying, but in our culture, we need to repeat this often!). You can relate to people who are different than you, in fact, those relationships are likely to teach you the most and be most enjoyable.

It takes time to develop your own thoughts, opinions, and values, but it’s worth the work. Relationships work best when two people are committed to being who they are, while at the same time being committed to care for the other person. So learn to be yourself, your relationships need all of the unique insight and strengths only you can offer.

The post The Essentials For Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I have volunteered as a docent at our local art museum for the past five years. It’s been a wonderful way to give back to the community and also guarantees that I spent quality time amongst the amazing collection our museum possesses. It takes time to enjoy all that a quality art museum has to offer. I spent my early years studying and enjoying a tondo by Botticelli, a small Titian, and a Raphael. Two pieces by Andrew Wyeth were also favorites. Early on I stuck to the big names and well-known pieces. Over time I’ve been able to explore more of the museum and was drawn to other amazing works. One in particular that I have enjoyed is entitled, “Flight into Egypt”. It depicts Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus escaping the death edict of King Herod by travelling to Egypt to hide from the destruction. Joseph is shown as old and stooped over, leading Mary and Jesus as they rode on a donkey. Mary holding the tiny baby in her arms. No one knows the name of the artist who painted the picture.  As I spent time enjoying it recently, I wondered to myself why I had not noticed it earlier.

The answer? The unknown artist.

I was drawn to works by the masters, artists I had heard about and enjoyed before. As a novice to the fine arts I felt that I could trust the masters. I didn’t trust my untrained eyes. I worried that my uncultured opinions would cause me to miss out on what I most needed to see. It was like the 3-D pictures that were all the rage a few years ago. If you stared at the picture and unfocused your eyes just right another imagine would appear, extending out toward you from the original picture. I was always amazed at the people who could walk down the aisle of pictures and see the hidden image immediately. “A dolphin wearing jewelry, two hobos eating dinner, the space shuttle landing at a McDonalds…” and on and on they would go. Even people who couldn’t see the images, finally nodded and talked about how amazing they were, afraid of being left out.

We are all afraid of not seeing what we are supposed to see. We want to see the world the way everyone else does. We fear being exposed as lacking something that others have. This fear is the enemy of originality. When we strain to see the world the way everyone else sees it, we miss out on what only we can see. It’s easier to adopt the views of the majority when it comes to beauty, politics, and relationships. It feels risky to have our own voice, but it’s a risk that we must take.

The way you see the world is a gift that only you possess. When you limit yourself to  thinking whatever everyone else thinks, two things happen. First, you miss out on being who you truly are. When you adopt whatever opinion is popular, you are never able to discover your own unique perspective.

Second, when you only focus on the majority, you miss out on all of the “unknown artists” out there who have something valuable to contribute. There are authors, musicians, and artists , mostly unknown, that are masters at their craft. So don’t be afraid to explore the unknown or unpopular, they may help you find your voice.

It’s easy to go with the flow of popular opinion, but the world needs new opinions. It needs yours. May you find your own voice and perspective, and may you then share your originality with the world.

The post Why We Hate The Unknown first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I ended my last post with a question. How are so many Christian leaders able to get people to place their hopes on things that God has never directly promised them? Prosperity ministers are able to convince us that God has promised us things that He hasn’t promised by preying on our normal desires. Of course, we would all like wealth, greater health, to prosper at our jobs and in our community. Those things aren’t bad. There is nothing wrong with having those things or working hard to try to get them. We have to remember though that they are not promised to us by God. It also means that a life filled with contentment that is productive and pleasing to God is possible without those things as well. When ministers lead people to believe that our natural desires are actually God-ordained rights, problems arise. They seek to convince us that God wants us to have the things we want, because that’s what a good God would do.

But is it?

A similar question would be: do parents want everything for their kids that the kids want for themselves? I have a two year old that has a pretty good appetite. His favorite food currently is yogurt, which is ok, because most yogurt is relatively good for you. If he had his way, he would enjoy yogurt for every meal, and for all snacks in between. We don’t allow that, not because we don’t love him, but precisely because we do. That much yogurt wouldn’t be good for him. He doesn’t know that, but we do, and so loving him looks like giving him what he needs rather than just what he wants.

It’s a simplistic analogy, but God does much the same for us. A loving God would never give us everything we want. In fact, think back to when you were 16 years old and list the things that you wanted very badly. Aren’t you glad you didn’t get all of those things? Hoping for things is good, wanting things is fine as well. As a Christian one of the things that gives me most comfort, however, is that I can discuss my desires with God knowing that He knows and wants what’s best for me. It’s good to know that he might say no to something that I might want, because He knows it wouldn’t be best for me in the long run.

At the heart of the prosperity message is an arrogance that assumes that I know exactly what is best for me. I have some ideas, but in the end, God knows better. My friends might at times know what’s best for me. The government may claim to know what’s best for me, but God truly and consistently can be trusted to know what is best for me at all times. In fact, the entire Christian life is really a submitting to that one truth. God knows better. God knows what I need and is also aware of what I want. So, I choose to trust Him, even when it feels like it goes against something that I thought was best.

I hope that helps us understand why the prosperity message is so intoxicating. But it doesn’t explain how some leaders are able to get followers to purchase jets, opulent houses, and stadium size buildings for them in the name of God and the gospel message. That will be the focus of the next post.

The post You Can’t Always Get What You Want first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Many people have now heard the story of a prominent minister telling his congregation that God wanted him to “bleed him for a Falcon 7X”, an expensive private jet. The rationale for this request and others like it was that God wants us to succeed, that there are amazing things available just for the asking. The line of thinking goes that if you are not getting things, you must not be asking correctly. This message is proclaimed in many churches and is often known as “prosperity gospel”. Their claims must ring hollow for those less concerned with jets and more concerned with making rent each month.

While this example is extreme, it illustrates a problem that is causing great damage to Christians and non-Christians alike. It has nothing to do with historical Christian belief but is actually a perversion of it, a counterfeit faith if you will. The problem is that some leaders are encouraging people to believe that hope and faith are the same thing.

Faith is believing something that can’t easily be seen. It’s trusting that God is who He says He is, even though He is not physically visible. It’s believing that the promises that Jesus made are true. Faith is the anchor of the Christian life. It’s faith that allows us to trust that God forgives us, that He is for us, and that He is calling us to take action to make a difference in the world. Hope, however, is different.

Hope is wanting something (good or bad) that has never been promised. Kids can hope that there will be a bike under the Christmas tree, even when their parents never promised them a bike. We can hope our team wins the Super Bowl. We can hope that the light stays green long enough for us to pass through. We can even hope that our check-up with the doctor turns out ok. We hope for those things, because while they are good, they were never promised to us by God. Hope is important, but it’s not the same as faith.  Here’s a few other things God did not promise us in the Bible:

A jet

Good health

Lots of money

A little money

The perfect job

A life of ease.

In fact, Jesus promised that Christians would face many challenges in life, although that message is pushed to the side by those seeking money for jets. Leading people to believe that what they hope for is something that they can actually have faith in is toxic and manipulative. It crushes good people who are going through difficult times. It also leads us to blame God for not delivering on things that He never promised us in the first place.

It’s not wrong to want a jet or a car or house. Hope is good. There is nothing wrong with hoping for things and working to attain them. But hopes shouldn’t be confused with matters of faith. God is reliable and faithful to His promises. The problem is that many people convince others that God has promised things that He hasn’t. How can ministers get away with this sort of extravagance, and with making these outlandish promises?  Visit my site again for my next post which addresses this very issue.

The post The Difference Between Faith and Hope first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear over the past few days as Hurricane Florence hovers off the coast, massive and deadly. I’ve watched as fear has set people in motion. The interstate was jammed with travelers last night as I made my way home. They were all heading inland. I pray that fear does it’s work and pushes everyone to evacuate their coastal homes in exchange for higher ground. I pray for those unable to move or without the resources to relocate in the face of what could be a terrible storm. Gleaming metal grocery store shelves are being picked clean as people stock up in case the worst happens. Fear is at work and is producing good results in a number of ways. When fears leads us to action on behalf of ourselves and those we love, it can be a powerful force for good. It has just as much power however, to work in opposite ways.

Fear can lead us to believe that I must provide for me and mine at the cost of others. Patience, like gallons of milk will become scarce as the storm approaches. Tempers will trigger more easily. Not only will people feel the need to provide for their family, they will come to believe that they can only do so by getting what they need before others get there first.  Instead of everyone preparing together to face a common enemy, we begin to eye each other warily. Now my enemy isn’t the storm, but the person next door, an enemy that could get the last of the gasoline or last loaf of bread before I have a chance to. It doesn’t take much for our minds to find danger not just in the wind and rain, but to see it in the car next to us as well.

Watching these terrible hurricanes gather strength as they hover over warm ocean waters resembles the way fear grows and churns in vacuums of self-centeredness. When we believe that the only way that for us to thrive is at the cost of others, fear wins. We lose something valuable inside of ourselves. Rather than leading to action, the fear pools inside of us and stagnates, turning to anger and resentment.

As the storm plays out over the next several days, I hope that you will turn your fear into action. Action, not only for you and yours, but for a neighbor, or a stranger in need. Fear isn’t enjoyable, but when we leverage it for the good of others, it loses its power. So stay safe, and stay on the lookout for those who may need a helping hand. We are at our best when we face challenges together.

The post Hurricanes, Fear, and Togetherness first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

“I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.”

Few artists in history can rival the talent and skill of Michelangelo Buonarroti. His sculptures and paintings adorn some of the most renowned museums and cathedrals in the world. Perhaps Michelangelo’s greatest gift was his vision. Not only were his hands gifted with the brush or chisel, he could see things that weren’t obvious to others and then paint or sculpt them into existence. When describing his work, he once remarked, “I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.” That amazing sort of vision is rare not only in art, but in all of life today.

Many people can see what is and critique and complain about what it lacks. It’s easy to hear misspoken words in a speech or a dropped ball on the football field and point out the failing. That sort of critical observation is common and for the most part worthless. After all, the football player knows he dropped the pass, and the politician knows he said the wrong thing. But like a wildfire consuming a dry forest, we can’t seem to get enough of other people’s failures and mistakes. And much like a forest fire we leave a trail of destruction in the wake of our criticisms.

What is desperately needed in our day is more people who see beyond what is, to what could be. People who see potential in the broken pieces of bad decisions and wrong turns. It requires greater vision to see the good lurking deep inside of others. It requires hope to call it out. How can we become people of greater vision?

1)Speak less.

In the Disney classic, Bambi, a young rabbit (Thumper) is instructed by his mother, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”. It’s good advice (if not good grammar). Thoughtless words have the power to crush those we care about. This doesn’t mean that people around us never do anything wrong, it means that we choose not to highlight all of the wrongs.  When we relentlessly point out the wrongs of others not only do they become discouraged, we eventually become conditioned to only notice the wrong in others. Biting your tongue is the first step on the path of improving your vision.

2)Listen more.

When we truly listen to others and not just use their words as time to formulate our responses, we can begin to learn more about the people around us. Behind their bad decisions may be really good motives and desires. Their mistakes may not be malicious at all. Perhaps there is pain and woundedness that cause them to act the way they do. The only way to know is to take the time required to listen and to care about what we hear.

How many people have we belittled who actually have something much more noble inside of them waiting to be seen and encouraged? What sort of difference would it make to our families, our politicians, and the people we work with if we could develop the sort of vision that sees the good inside of them that’s not easy to see? Might there be angels lurking inside ready to be released? May we all develop the sort of vision required to find out.

The post The Angels Inside first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

One of the most frustrating things about being a pastor are those moments when you teach about things that you struggle with the most. I actually believe that our most powerful teachings come from our most honest struggles, but it’s still no fun. I experienced this last week, when a small group gathered and we discussed the concept of margin.

I’m not sure if he coined the term or just illuminated it, but Richard Swenson’s book Margin is incredibly instructive. Margin is intentionally built-in empty space. There is margin on the pages of the books we read, for example.  Empty white space encircles the typed words on the page. This makes the book more aesthetically pleasing and more readable. It also protects against losing some of the writing if a corner of the book is damaged.

Our lives need margin as well. Our days are often filled with activity and busyness from the time our eyes pop open until we close them again late that night for sleep. We live at our limits financially and relationally, eventually paying the price for it.

We need space that is not filled with a list of things to do or places to go. We need space to unwind and to think without the pressing need to be productive. Jesus, who was incredibly productive during this three years of public ministry, often withdrew by himself for time away. He would leave massive crowds who were gathered to hear him in order to be alone for a bit.

If Jesus needed margin, then we do as well. It’s impossible to be “on” all of the time. Spending all of the time, money, and energy we have isn’t living fully, it’s living dangerously. Not only does a built in “cushion” protect us, it often makes life more productive and enjoyable. Creating margin can be difficult, however, mostly because it often involves saying “no” to people we want to impress. It requires courage to set boundaries in your life, here are a couple of tips that may help:

Start Small. It’s unrealistic to think that you can open up an hour of your day everyday to be alone or 10% of your income to drop into savings right away. It’s almost impossible to go from no margin to large blocks of it. If we set unrealistic expectations, we become discouraged when we aren’t able to maintain or achieve them, and often quit altogether. So, start small.

Remember that “no” is relationally healthy. If there is someone in your life that you can’t say “no” to then that relationship isn’t healthy. Good relationships can handle hearing the word “no”. Saying “no” in the right ways sets boundaries in relationships that make them stronger and will improve you connection with others in the long run.

Start today. Remember that we all plan to do all sorts of great things one day. One day, however, rarely comes. So, start now, make a plan, and give it a go. Check back here for upcoming posts about how and where to create margin in your life!

The post Creating Space For Life first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing.

Andrew Peterson is a singer, songwriter with an unusual voice, and deep, thought-provoking lyrics. In “The Silence of God” Peterson sings, “if a man is forced to listen to the voices of the mob, who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they’ve got”. In our world, social media, and 24 hour news cycles have made the voices of the mob incredibly loud. You can imagine mobs from the old west, gathering with pitchforks and torches to see that someone is punished for their perceived crimes. Only instead of pitchforks and torches, mobs today wield keyboards and cameras. And they love nothing more than seeing someone fail.

Justice is important, but vengeance is toxic. If we are serious about loving others well, we have to not rejoice when they stumble. Our own insecurities and failures make us eager to see others fail as well, so we can feel better about ourselves. Most of us believe that others will love us only if we perform well. So, when we don’t perform well, our only hope is that others will perform poorly too. Maybe we can be loved, even when we fail, if our failures aren’t quite as bad as other people’s failures.

But love doesn’t work that way. In the words of William Shakespeare, “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark” (Sonnet 116). Love is bigger than our performance, which means that our failures are not catastrophic. It also means that the failures of others are not either.

God has called for us to love the world, not catalogue their failures. If we are able to desire the best for others and to hope that they succeed in amazing ways, we are a step closer to loving them well, and to becoming more whole ourselves.

The post Learning To Love Well first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Love is gentle.

Gentleness may be one of the most misunderstood attributes of love. Most people equate gentleness with weakness and assume that loving others means being subservient to them. They believe that loving someone means allowing them to dominate you. Love, however, is not weak. It takes a great deal of strength to love well.

Gentleness is what is exhibited when you create space for others to be whoever they are without fear of reprisal or domination. Gentleness doesn’t demand its own way and its own timing. Gentleness believes that a person is more than what they are able to accomplish. So, how can you develop gentleness in your character if you don’t feel that you have it? Here are a couple of ideas:

Gentleness creates space for the people you love.

To be gentle is to understand that everyone is different, and that those differences are good. Creating space for others means that you allow them to disagree without battling over every detail. If there is an issue that needs to be dealt with, gentleness understands that we all function better when given grace rather than condemnation. It allows others to be imperfect, just like us.

Gentleness has an opinion, it just understands that everyone else does as well.

Gentleness is honest, but not overbearing. We all have opinions that we believe are right. If we didn’t believe they were right, we wouldn’t have those opinions. That makes it tough when we encounter someone who sees things differently from us. Gentleness isn’t afraid to share what it thinks, but it’s quick to listen as well. Forcing your thoughts on others will end in one of two ways: either they will submit to you and quit being honest, or they will pull away from you entirely.

Gentleness is developed over time. Our society tends to favor the forceful. So, it takes some time to get used to choosing to be gentle. It takes practice to show kindness to others instead of just pushing for what we want. Relationships are not about winning, they are about love. Gentleness will allow your relationships to grow stronger over time, and will allow you to grow as well.

The post Learning to Love Well first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Love is a collection of traits that are developed over time and then exerted for the good of someone else. That’s why love isn’t easy. It takes time, and those who don’t invest time in growing as a person will often struggle to love others well over time. One of the traits that allows us to love others is something that the early Christian leader Paul described as “bearing with one another”.

Love never allows those we love to face life’s challenges alone. Traditional wedding vows aren’t used as often today, but their wording captures this thought: “for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health”. Love admits that life is unpredictable, and it could go poorly for you while going well for me. When that happens, love drives me to leverage my strength, health, or good fortune for your benefit. We don’t leave others to fend for themselves. In our society of upward mobility and endless ambition, we are conditioned to seek the best possible environment for ourselves. Which job opportunity is best for me? Can I get a lower interest rate if I switch credit card companies? Which wireless carrier will offer me the best deal? These questions are healthy and necessary, but when it comes to love, we set them aside. Love doesn’t abandon a spouse because she no longer “makes me happy” or because we “have such different interests now”. Love seeks the best of the other, and rather than jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, faces the challenges with the one we love.

Two Important Notes:

We bear with others and face challenges with others, not for others.

Love doesn’t erase responsibility. We can share life with others, but we can’t do life for them. If we continually carry someone else’s burdens for them instead of with them, we weaken them, and cause damage in the long run. Also,

Love doesn’t enable others to act destructively.

Sometimes people consistently and deliberately make destructive choices. It’s not loving to enable their destruction. Sometimes we are for people, even when they are not for themselves, and in those times, boundaries are required. Bearing with someone who is destroying themselves (or others) with drugs, exorbitant spending, reckless behavior, etc…may require blocking access to bank accounts, a car, or even the house. We can’t change the people we love, but we don’t have to hand them the gas can while they burn their life to the ground.

Most relationships aren’t destructive as much as they are selfish or short sighted, in those times love bears with one another. In order to do that, we need patience, which is the topic of the next blog post. Check back in as the series continues and subscribe to this blog in order to get reminders of upcoming posts and series!

The post Love Endures first appeared on Michael Ramsey.