She normally had the beach to herself. She always woke up long before daylight, a habit honed from necessity rather than preference. While others slept, she enjoyed the calm before the chaos of the day began. Long before the sunburns and the sandcastles, before the frisbees flew and kites fluttered, she walked, scanning the Atlantic tide as it rippled up onto the beach.

She had never been to the ocean before in her five decades of life. She most enjoyed scooping shells out of the surf. She walked at an even pace with a hunter’s stare fixed on the water lapping at her feet. She was well accustomed to finding value in the people and things the world discarded. For this reason she was drawn to the tiny, beautiful shells that the ocean abandoned on the sand.

She waited patiently, sifting through the sea debris. She didn’t grab for every shell that tumbled onto the shore but selected deliberately. When we all gathered to look over our aquatic souvenirs in the evenings, it was hard to believe that we had all been on the same beach. She had found and redeemed things from the ocean’s periphery that the rest of us had never even seen.

Life also has a periphery, where people are washed up after plan A and plan B have both failed. It’s where freshly rejected people, still in disbelief that their marriage has ended find themselves. It’s where children with unsteady parents try to survive. It’s where drunks dry out. A place for unrefined folk, whose rough edges rub society the wrong way. You might find yourself here if you married too early or stayed single for too long. If civilian life no longer makes sense after a senseless war, the periphery offers a place out of the blinding glare of judgmental eyes.

It’s lonely on the edges of life, unseen and unwanted. There, we tumble from day to day in hopes that someone will find value in us and thereby teach us how to value ourselves. It was in these waves of human debris, that the same small and fragile seeming lady waded patiently. Her eyes searching, seeing things others couldn’t see. Some thought her a hard woman, but that’s just because she not only searched the periphery for lives to salvage but had lived there herself.

She would stoop down into the life of a child and offer a kind word and a smile. It was always the child most in need and least familiar with encouragement. She sought out the invisible. The abused and broken. Her compass pointed her to nursing home rooms that rarely received visitors. She had a natural ability to collect those that the world had discarded.

I imagine that we’ll gather together again one day, and that it will be hard to imagine that we had walked the same earth. She will have found treasures and beauty in people and places the rest of us hadn’t even seen.

The post Thoughts of Mom first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

The last essential for healthy relationships is a three-step process that will help you avoid relational disasters. Most broken hearts come from trusting people that later turn out to be untrustworthy. We have invested so much of our selves at that point, that ending the relationship is incredibly painful. Many people try to prolong the relationship which normally ends in even more pain. There are three simple steps that will allow you to avoid this painful fate.

Step One: Let your priorities determine your time.

We all have limitations. We can only have a limited number of relationships. Also, not all relationships deserve an equal amount of our time and attention. If you want to have a healthy relational life, you have to prioritize your relationships. Which relationships are most important to you? Those relationships should get a greater amount of time than your other relationships. Time is the life blood of relationships. The more time you spend in a relationship, the stronger it is able to be.

Step Two: Let time determine your trust.

Trust is a gift. It’s not a right. When you give trust to people who are untrustworthy, bad things happen. You must choose wisely where you place your trust. Don’t trust people just because they feel trustworthy, and don’t trust people as a way to speed up the relationship. Trust the people who have proven trustworthy over time. If you are patient, people will show you who they truly are. Don’t rush things when it comes to trust!

Step Three: Let trust determine your intimacy.

Intimacy or closeness grows in relationships as we share more about ourselves with another person. You can’t be close to everyone. How do you know who to share more of yourself with? Find the person who keeps your secrets and respects your space. Find someone who doesn’t gossip, but is ready to show up when you need them. In short, find the most trustworthy person in your life. Many times we force intimacy with others because we are lonely or impatient. That is a recipe for disaster. Intimacy should be a result of trust that has been established over time.

In summary, allow your relational priorities to determine where you spend your time. Your time is valuable and should be spent in the places and with the people most important to you. Next, allow time to determine who you trust. Anyone can be honest for a week or a month. Trustworthy people prove themselves over long periods of time. And finally, choose to be more open and honest with the people in your life who are most trustworthy. Close intimate relationships are precious and very rare. Don’t force intimacy where it is not earned or valued. Following these three straightforward steps are essential to forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Choose wisely, work diligently, and relate well!

The post The Essentials For Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

I grew up in a small town in the mountains of western North Carolina. Every home town has its own unique set of rules. In my town (and the south in general), we were taught to say, “I’m sorry”. If we had done something wrong, or if anyone thought we had done something wrong, we said the words. It didn’t matter whether or not we were actually sorry for what we had done. Saying, “I’m sorry”, was just what you were expected to do. Better to force the words out now, than deal with mom and dad later.

I’ve noticed that as adults many of us haven’t gotten any better with our forced apologies. Lots of people still do and say hurtful things and then toss out an “I’m sorry”, as if it will make everything better. Some people believe that the words “I’m sorry” are magical words that take away all of the consequences of their behavior.

It’s understandable. Nobody likes to hurt someone or make a mistake. When we realize that we have, we want to get past it as quickly as possible. As painful as it may be, however, a quick “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. Here are a couple of things to remember that will allow you to relate in a better way when you’ve hurt someone:

Explain Why You’re Sorry

I’m sorry or I apologize is only the beginning of a what needs to be a longer sentence. If you’ve messed up, be honest and own what you’ve done. Be clear about what it is that you are apologizing for. If you aren’t sure what you’ve done, don’t just say “I’m sorry” to get the tension to go away. Ask what you’ve done, and if it was wrong, apologize for it. Also, take a second and think about how your words or actions have affected the person you have wronged. When someone believes that you understand how they feel, they are more likely to forgive you and move forward in the relationship.

Make a Visible Change

Words are good. Actions are better. If you have hurt someone, as much as you are able, do something to set things right. We won’t always be able to make things right, but when we can we should try. Also, once you’ve apologized for something, you should work hard to avoid repeating that behavior. Saying, “I’m sorry” only to repeat what you did over and over again is pointless. If there is nothing that you feel you need to change, you probably shouldn’t be apologizing. Which brings us to the third point:

If You Aren’t Sorry, Don’t Apologize

Apologizing isn’t a tool to make conflict go away. It is a way of acknowledging what is or is not acceptable in your relationship. If your spouse doesn’t like how loudly you play your music, but you see no problem with it, don’t apologize just to end the tension. If you apologize you are saying that playing your music loudly is wrong and that you don’t plan to do it again, which is probably not what you are really saying. You are saying, “I want you to stop being mad, and I plan to play my music again when you are not so mad.” Having those hard conversations about what we feel is acceptable and what is not in our relationships is one of the things that make relationships strong. So don’t avoid it!

Having the courage to own what we’ve done and apologize is an essential relationship skill. It’s more than saying “I’m sorry”. As hard as it is, owning what we’ve done wrong can strengthen our relationships. So, be sorry if you must, but be honest no matter what. Your relationships will grow because of it!

The post The Essentials for Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

Many people think that by adopting the opinions and values of another person, they are strengthening their relationship. The more we agree about, the better off we are, right?

Not exactly.

Agreeing on things is great, but when it comes to relationships, authenticity is more important than similarity. When people don’t have a clear sense of who they are, they are in danger of becoming whoever they are around. This is true of all relationships. We may become like the person we are in dating, or we may rebel and try to be unlike our parents in every way possible. Either way, we have failed to be who we truly are, and our relationships will be fragile and unhealthy. After all, how can you relate to others in an honest way when you aren’t even sure who you are?

Here are a couple of tips that will help you be your authentic self in your relationships:

Have your own opinions

This is harder than it sounds. We live in a culture that prizes sameness of thought and demonizes dissent. It’s not easy to maintain your opinion when it isn’t popular with the masses. But having your own opinions is the only way to bring something unique into your relationships. If your friends need you to mirror all of their opinions, then you need new friends.

Have your own values

Values run deeper than opinions. Opinions change rather easily over time as we learn more and grow. Values are the roots that ground us and give direction to our life. They can change over time as well, but less often. Your values are your core beliefs about what makes life important. Your values are too important to defer to whoever you are in a relationship with.

Be open, but honest.

Being authentic doesn’t mean shutting down everyone who is different from you. It’s important to listen to others. After all, they get to have their opinions and values as well. Listen to others and seek to understand them, but be brave enough to be honest about what you think as well. Be respectful. (This should go without saying, but in our culture, we need to repeat this often!). You can relate to people who are different than you, in fact, those relationships are likely to teach you the most and be most enjoyable.

It takes time to develop your own thoughts, opinions, and values, but it’s worth the work. Relationships work best when two people are committed to being who they are, while at the same time being committed to care for the other person. So learn to be yourself, your relationships need all of the unique insight and strengths only you can offer.

The post The Essentials For Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

She normally had the beach to herself. She always woke up long before daylight, a habit honed from necessity rather than preference. While others slept, she enjoyed the calm before the chaos of the day began. Long before the sunburns and the sandcastles, before the frisbees flew and kites fluttered, she walked, scanning the Atlantic tide as it rippled up onto the beach.

She had never been to the ocean before in her five decades of life. She most enjoyed scooping shells out of the surf. She walked at an even pace with a hunter’s stare fixed on the water lapping at her feet. She was well accustomed to finding value in the people and things the world discarded. For this reason she was drawn to the tiny, beautiful shells that the ocean abandoned on the sand.

She waited patiently, sifting through the sea debris. She didn’t grab for every shell that tumbled onto the shore but selected deliberately. When we all gathered to look over our aquatic souvenirs in the evenings, it was hard to believe that we had all been on the same beach. She had found and redeemed things from the ocean’s periphery that the rest of us had never even seen.

Life also has a periphery, where people are washed up after plan A and plan B have both failed. It’s where freshly rejected people, still in disbelief that their marriage has ended find themselves. It’s where children with unsteady parents try to survive. It’s where drunks dry out. A place for unrefined folk, whose rough edges rub society the wrong way. You might find yourself here if you married too early or stayed single for too long. If civilian life no longer makes sense after a senseless war, the periphery offers a place out of the blinding glare of judgmental eyes.

It’s lonely on the edges of life, unseen and unwanted. There, we tumble from day to day in hopes that someone will find value in us and thereby teach us how to value ourselves. It was in these waves of human debris, that the same small and fragile seeming lady waded patiently. Her eyes searching, seeing things others couldn’t see. Some thought her a hard woman, but that’s just because she not only searched the periphery for lives to salvage but had lived there herself.

She would stoop down into the life of a child and offer a kind word and a smile. It was always the child most in need and least familiar with encouragement. She sought out the invisible. The abused and broken. Her compass pointed her to nursing home rooms that rarely received visitors. She had a natural ability to collect those that the world had discarded.

I imagine that we’ll gather together again one day, and that it will be hard to imagine that we had walked the same earth. She will have found treasures and beauty in people and places the rest of us hadn’t even seen.

The post Thoughts of Mom first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

A groan went up from the class. It was time for the second major test of the semester, and our professor repeated what she had said prior to the first exam. “You are responsible for the required reading, and that includes all illustrations, their descriptions, and all footnotes.” That meant that every place where ink covered the paper in the past 200 pages was fair game. There was no way out, we were responsible for it all.

We can be tempted to hate responsibility at times. It feels like a weight around our neck. It’s scary. We feel cornered and often look for a loophole or way out of having an outcome depend fully on us. Responsibility also reminds us that we are connected to others, and that what we do matters to more than just us. That can be a frightening thought as well.

So, why do we hate responsibility so much? Why do we spend so much energy trying to avoid it at times?

Being responsible means that we can’t blame others

When we are responsible for something and things go wrong, we have no one to blame but ourselves. It doesn’t feel good to be wrong. That’s why it’s so tempting to blame others when things go poorly. Blaming is toxic. It breaks down trust in relationships, and it rarely solves the original problem. It’s easy to blame others though, especially when they have failed or been part of the problem. Being responsible means I own my mess without needing to make you own yours. We choose to blame no one but ourselves, and that’s not always fun.

Being responsible means that we can fail

Things don’t always work. Plans fall through. Even if we do our best, things can go wrong. Taking responsibility for a project or assignment means that I may fail at that project or assignment. One of the reasons that many of us avoid stepping up to new challenges is our fear of failure. The thing to remember is that while we may fail that doesn’t mean that we are failures. In fact, most of the great achievements in life come on the heels of many previous failed attempts. Who we are is bigger than what we do. When we understand that failure isn’t terminal, we are set free to learn from it and try again.

Being responsible means that we can let others down

One part of responsibility that scares many of us is the thought of letting other people down. We don’t want to cause pain to others or inconvenience them. So, we avoid situations where we have the power to do that. Avoiding the possibility of failure however, also precludes the possibility of success. We can’t make a difference in the lives of others without the risk of damage. But the risk is worth it, because the difference you can make is very real and much needed.

May you learn and know that you were created to be responsible, and that you can be the difference that someone desperately needs in their life.

The post Why We Hate Responsibility first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

While studying at seminary, I attended a local church. I enrolled in an evangelism class they offered that would study a curriculum and then go door to door in surrounding neighborhoods. The thought of it terrified me. I am an introvert by nature, and the idea of going to a stranger’s home unannounced seemed incredibly difficult. At that time however, I felt that spiritual growth involved doing difficult things, so I joined the class.

We were given a large green binder, packed with possible scenarios and sample conversations that we could practice. There were cards with verses on them to memorize and homework to complete each week. Once we had mastered the material, we would meet weekly for a semester, split in groups of three or four and evangelize the community.

There was one main question that we were to work toward in our conversations:“One day, long from now, when you die, if you were to meet God and He were to ask you, ‘why should I let you into my heaven?’ what would you answer?” It was designed to bring the conversation to a point of decision. Was this person a Christian? Did they think they were a Christian, but were mistaken? I knew the answer we were looking for because I had the large green binder, and we were trained to address any answer that didn’t fit what the binder said we should expect. Years removed from those door-to-door days, I have been thinking more about that question and how it must have sounded to the unsuspecting soccer moms and retirees we encountered.

Why should I let you into my heaven?

If God were to meet me after death and ask me that question, I think I would be taken aback. After all, it doesn’t really fit the way that God has related to me throughout my life. Jesus instructed his followers to refer to God as “our” Father.  My experience with God has been with a Father who welcomed me in spite of my poor answers and unworthy behavior. He welcomed prayers from me when my motives for praying were flawed. He welcomed my efforts to serve others, even though they were sporadic and often self-serving. The question we were taught to ask looked for a rational, logical answer to a question that has little to do with reason and logic. It would be like summarizing our life together by asking my daughter, “and why should I include you in my will?”. The question isn’t relational or familial. It’s more like a question you would field when interviewing for a new job, rather than when talking with your Father.

None of the biblical writers gave us a clear list of the order of events we should expect after dying. My thoughts about what it will be like are only a guess, like everyone else. I imagine that Peter will be there to announce those arriving in the afterlife. “Ok, this is Michael Ramsey, the one from North Carolina”. At which point, God will say, “oh yes, we’ve been friends for quite a while, in fact, he’s like a son to me. Welcome home.” At this point, I feel sure I will feel ashamed at how poor a friend I’d actually been. Wondering how I could be welcomed after somehow managing to resemble both the prodigal son and the legalistic older brother from Jesus’ famous story. God will then talk about the weak and overlooked people that I’ve managed to help along the way. But I’ll know deep in my heart that I’m not worthy of any compliments or congratulations. I will know that I am there for one reason and one reason only: God’s good grace.

I’m not sure if any of our door to door efforts years ago helped anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. God always seems to produce something good out of my poor and clumsy efforts. I hope that those people have found the same welcoming, grace-filled God that I know. He is bigger than our incomplete answers and broken obedience. He patience seems to know no bounds. If they have met that God then I know that they are looking forward to meeting him face to face just as I am, not because of our worthiness. I’m not worthy, no one is.  But because of His grace and love.

The post Seeking Answers and Finding Relationship first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

“When I bury my hurt in shame or silence, it begins to fester from the inside out. I feel the pain more acutely, and I suffer even more because of it.”  -Desmond Tutu

My father loved John Wayne movies. I didn’t like them very much at first, but much like bluegrass music, my exposure to them over the years guaranteed them a place in my heart as I became older. John Wayne was the ultimate tough guy. His characters led soldiers into battle and herds across the plains. He always faced challenges, but as hard those challenges might have been, John Wayne’s characters never caved to the pressure. It was as if his emotions never controlled him, (except for anger, he liked anger). Like many people in life I came to see emotional control as an important character trait to possess. In a world where emotional outbursts have become the norm, having greater emotional control can have significant benefits. Emotional control allows our actions to be driven by our values rather than by what we feel in the moment. Emotions aren’t bad, but we mustn’t act on them blindly or impulsively. While emotional control is good however, emotional denial can be very dangerous.

The emotions we feel are very real, and they are indicators of things that need our attention. Our emotions may not always reflect the reality of what is happening around us, but at least, they let us know that something needs a closer look. We may ask ourselves, “Is this anger realistic, or did I just not get enough sleep last night?” Directing our emotions is different than trying to ignore them. Ignoring our emotions is like ignoring road signs when you drive, eventually you will end up somewhere you don’t want to be. Taking careful notice of our emotions often allows us to read situations and people more clearly, leading to greater understanding. Ignoring the signals that our emotions offer us, can lead to relational frustration.

Desmond Tutu who had a front row seat to the emotional upheaval coming out of apartheid in South Africa, reflected on all he had seen when he wrote, “When I bury my hurt in shame or silence, it begins to fester from the inside out. I feel the pain more acutely, and I suffer even more because of it.”  When emotions aren’t addressed over time they grow and begin to control us in ways that we aren’t always aware of. Rather than addressing the fire burning in the kitchen, we simply close the door and act as if the fire doesn’t exist. The result is predictably disastrous.

Emotions can be helpful if we are attentive to them, and resist giving them full control of our life. It can be messy and painful but listening to the messages that our emotions send will allow us to relate to others in better ways and can help us enjoy life more fully.

Quote from The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu

The post Controlled But Not Ignored first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

“I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.”

Few artists in history can rival the talent and skill of Michelangelo Buonarroti. His sculptures and paintings adorn some of the most renowned museums and cathedrals in the world. Perhaps Michelangelo’s greatest gift was his vision. Not only were his hands gifted with the brush or chisel, he could see things that weren’t obvious to others and then paint or sculpt them into existence. When describing his work, he once remarked, “I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.” That amazing sort of vision is rare not only in art, but in all of life today.

Many people can see what is and critique and complain about what it lacks. It’s easy to hear misspoken words in a speech or a dropped ball on the football field and point out the failing. That sort of critical observation is common and for the most part worthless. After all, the football player knows he dropped the pass, and the politician knows he said the wrong thing. But like a wildfire consuming a dry forest, we can’t seem to get enough of other people’s failures and mistakes. And much like a forest fire we leave a trail of destruction in the wake of our criticisms.

What is desperately needed in our day is more people who see beyond what is, to what could be. People who see potential in the broken pieces of bad decisions and wrong turns. It requires greater vision to see the good lurking deep inside of others. It requires hope to call it out. How can we become people of greater vision?

1)Speak less.

In the Disney classic, Bambi, a young rabbit (Thumper) is instructed by his mother, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”. It’s good advice (if not good grammar). Thoughtless words have the power to crush those we care about. This doesn’t mean that people around us never do anything wrong, it means that we choose not to highlight all of the wrongs.  When we relentlessly point out the wrongs of others not only do they become discouraged, we eventually become conditioned to only notice the wrong in others. Biting your tongue is the first step on the path of improving your vision.

2)Listen more.

When we truly listen to others and not just use their words as time to formulate our responses, we can begin to learn more about the people around us. Behind their bad decisions may be really good motives and desires. Their mistakes may not be malicious at all. Perhaps there is pain and woundedness that cause them to act the way they do. The only way to know is to take the time required to listen and to care about what we hear.

How many people have we belittled who actually have something much more noble inside of them waiting to be seen and encouraged? What sort of difference would it make to our families, our politicians, and the people we work with if we could develop the sort of vision that sees the good inside of them that’s not easy to see? Might there be angels lurking inside ready to be released? May we all develop the sort of vision required to find out.

The post The Angels Inside first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

In his 1858 U.S. Senate campaign Abraham Lincoln quoted Jesus in a speech by saying that, “a house divided against itself cannot stand”. That statement is as profound as it is simple. It was as true for America during that time as it was when Jesus spoke those words to religious leaders almost 2000 years ago. Sadly, the message still hasn’t been fully embraced. Even today, Christians seem obsessed with dividing.

I’m not talking about denominational divides. There’s nothing wrong with distinctives among various churches. If a variety of ways of worshipping God and serving others allows a greater number of people to become more fully involved in God’s family, then I’m all for it. No, the problem I am referring to comes when we fail to respect those with different denominational backgrounds or political leanings. We have allowed our differences to make us suspicious of each other, and we are paying a heavy relational price as a result. I’ll never forget visiting a church in college and being surprised that the talk for that evening was entitled, “Why We Are Not Methodists”. Many Christians try to establish their identity by denouncing people with whom they disagree.

If we insist on defining ourselves by what makes us different rather than what we have in common, we will continue to be divided and combative. There’s nothing wrong with being different, but there is everything wrong with disliking those who are different. Jesus said that his followers would be known for how well they loved each other, not how well they divided into groups of similar preferences. Loving each other in spite of our differences should be our goal. Instead, we seem set on creating little pockets of sameness where our thoughts are never challenged and our love is dependent on our doctrinal agreement. This leads to three large problems:

We never learn how to disagree well.

Having honest conversations that include grace-filled disagreement isn’t easy. It takes practice. Anyone can argue and insult. Jesus has called Christians to a higher standard. We can disagree and debate, but insults have no place in our faith. Jesus insisted that we not simply put up with each other, but that we love each other. We can only learn that skill if we are committed to being in environments with people who don’t see eye-to-eye with us.

We foster and ignore massive blind spots.

Each person has unique experiences and insight. No person has had all possible experiences, nor does anyone have perfect insight. Therefore, it’s natural for every person to have limited knowledge. There are things we don’t know and haven’t experienced yet. That’s not the problem. The problem is that we don’t know what we don’t know. Of course we don’t! That’s the point. Having blind spots isn’t a lack of diligence or intelligence. It’s part of the human condition. Everyone has blind spots. Healthy people are those who choose to surround themselves with people who are different enough from them that they can identify those blind spots and shine light on them. If we all see life the same way, we will all likely miss the same things as well.

We assume we can have truth apart from love.

We should be good students of the Bible and the Christian life. We should seek to grow in our knowledge and act on what we know. But if what we think we know limits who we love, then our knowledge is useless. First century Christian leader Paul said it like this,” And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:2). In our search for truth, we must remember that one of the identifying marks of truth is that it increases our love for all people.

When Jesus instructed all Christians to love each other, he wasn’t just encouraging us to be polite while we seek doctrinal understanding. He was saying that our search for truth will never be successful unless it is bathed in love for others. Loving those different from us isn’t just a nice idea, it’s an essential component of the truth we seek.

The post The Way Forward first appeared on Michael Ramsey.