The last essential for healthy relationships is a three-step process that will help you avoid relational disasters. Most broken hearts come from trusting people that later turn out to be untrustworthy. We have invested so much of our selves at that point, that ending the relationship is incredibly painful. Many people try to prolong the relationship which normally ends in even more pain. There are three simple steps that will allow you to avoid this painful fate.

Step One: Let your priorities determine your time.

We all have limitations. We can only have a limited number of relationships. Also, not all relationships deserve an equal amount of our time and attention. If you want to have a healthy relational life, you have to prioritize your relationships. Which relationships are most important to you? Those relationships should get a greater amount of time than your other relationships. Time is the life blood of relationships. The more time you spend in a relationship, the stronger it is able to be.

Step Two: Let time determine your trust.

Trust is a gift. It’s not a right. When you give trust to people who are untrustworthy, bad things happen. You must choose wisely where you place your trust. Don’t trust people just because they feel trustworthy, and don’t trust people as a way to speed up the relationship. Trust the people who have proven trustworthy over time. If you are patient, people will show you who they truly are. Don’t rush things when it comes to trust!

Step Three: Let trust determine your intimacy.

Intimacy or closeness grows in relationships as we share more about ourselves with another person. You can’t be close to everyone. How do you know who to share more of yourself with? Find the person who keeps your secrets and respects your space. Find someone who doesn’t gossip, but is ready to show up when you need them. In short, find the most trustworthy person in your life. Many times we force intimacy with others because we are lonely or impatient. That is a recipe for disaster. Intimacy should be a result of trust that has been established over time.

In summary, allow your relational priorities to determine where you spend your time. Your time is valuable and should be spent in the places and with the people most important to you. Next, allow time to determine who you trust. Anyone can be honest for a week or a month. Trustworthy people prove themselves over long periods of time. And finally, choose to be more open and honest with the people in your life who are most trustworthy. Close intimate relationships are precious and very rare. Don’t force intimacy where it is not earned or valued. Following these three straightforward steps are essential to forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Choose wisely, work diligently, and relate well!

The post The Essentials For Healthy Relationships first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

A groan went up from the class. It was time for the second major test of the semester, and our professor repeated what she had said prior to the first exam. “You are responsible for the required reading, and that includes all illustrations, their descriptions, and all footnotes.” That meant that every place where ink covered the paper in the past 200 pages was fair game. There was no way out, we were responsible for it all.

We can be tempted to hate responsibility at times. It feels like a weight around our neck. It’s scary. We feel cornered and often look for a loophole or way out of having an outcome depend fully on us. Responsibility also reminds us that we are connected to others, and that what we do matters to more than just us. That can be a frightening thought as well.

So, why do we hate responsibility so much? Why do we spend so much energy trying to avoid it at times?

Being responsible means that we can’t blame others

When we are responsible for something and things go wrong, we have no one to blame but ourselves. It doesn’t feel good to be wrong. That’s why it’s so tempting to blame others when things go poorly. Blaming is toxic. It breaks down trust in relationships, and it rarely solves the original problem. It’s easy to blame others though, especially when they have failed or been part of the problem. Being responsible means I own my mess without needing to make you own yours. We choose to blame no one but ourselves, and that’s not always fun.

Being responsible means that we can fail

Things don’t always work. Plans fall through. Even if we do our best, things can go wrong. Taking responsibility for a project or assignment means that I may fail at that project or assignment. One of the reasons that many of us avoid stepping up to new challenges is our fear of failure. The thing to remember is that while we may fail that doesn’t mean that we are failures. In fact, most of the great achievements in life come on the heels of many previous failed attempts. Who we are is bigger than what we do. When we understand that failure isn’t terminal, we are set free to learn from it and try again.

Being responsible means that we can let others down

One part of responsibility that scares many of us is the thought of letting other people down. We don’t want to cause pain to others or inconvenience them. So, we avoid situations where we have the power to do that. Avoiding the possibility of failure however, also precludes the possibility of success. We can’t make a difference in the lives of others without the risk of damage. But the risk is worth it, because the difference you can make is very real and much needed.

May you learn and know that you were created to be responsible, and that you can be the difference that someone desperately needs in their life.

The post Why We Hate Responsibility first appeared on Michael Ramsey.

My high school basketball coach was terrifying.

At least that was my first impression of him. He was loud and intense. He screamed and had on occasion kicked us out of the gym if our practices didn’t meet the standard he desired. (The kicking out wasn’t the bad part, it was what awaited us at the next practice.) I wasn’t used to people yelling at me, I grew up in a quiet home, so coach really rattled me. Not only that, he had in his possession the one thing that mattered more than anything to me: playing time. If I couldn’t find a way to make that guy happy, I would lose what I wanted most.

I used to believe the same things about God.

I had read stories in the Bible of people being turned to a pillar of salt. Some were destroyed by floods, the ground opened up underneath others and swallowed them whole. I had also heard enough sermons about hell to know that I needed to be very careful when it came to God. I can remember thinking that I needed to make sure to never look back at a city that God was destroying by fire, and definitely not lie to any church leaders about anything! I was afraid that if I didn’t make God happy I would lose the things I wanted most; jobs, relationships, health, etc…

Things changed for me when I stumbled across some words written by one of Jesus’ closest disciples, John. He said, “There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” (1 John 4:18) I loved God, but I realized that I was living much of my life in an attempt to avoid his punishment. I didn’t really trust that He wanted the best for me. If we are honest about God, if we see Him clearly as the creator of everything that is, then fear is a very healthy first impression. He is more powerful that we can possibly imagine. But, if that all-powerful God loves us and wants the best for us, the fear we feel can begin to melt away and love can grow in it’s place.

Over time, I realized that my coach wanted the best for me as a player and as a person. He didn’t just care about the score of the game, he cared about me. Once, I realized that all of that volume and passion wasn’t trying to destroy me, but trying to help me, I was able to relax. The lessons I learned during those years in high school with my coach still impact my life today, and I’m grateful that I was able to trade in my fear of him and trust him instead.

The same is true of my relationship with God. God doesn’t punish us. Punishment is about getting even, about answering for what you’ve done. In an act of unimaginable love and sacrifice, Jesus answered for what we have done. God disciplines us, which is much different. Discipline is for our good, and leads to our growth. When my coach made our team run sprints until our lungs burned and our legs felt like rubber, it wasn’t to get even. He was making sure we would have the stamina to play hard late in games, so that when other teams were tired, we could keep going.

I don’t understand everything about God, but I trust Him. It’s not a perfect trust. Nothing about me is perfect. It’s growing, though. Every day I find that the more I trust the less I fear. That’s good because fear is miserable. It takes faith to trust, and that isn’t always easy. The reward is worth it however, and I hope you are able to enjoy a life with less fear.

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