We all want to feel closer to the people who are most important to us. We also want them to feel close to us. Everyone would also agree that being able to listen improves the chances that our relationships will be healthy and enjoyable. But, as critical as we know the skill of listening to be, most of us still struggle with it. So, what is it that keeps us from listening as well as we would like?

We are afraid that we have nothing of value to say.

Sometimes we do a poor job of listening to others because we are too focused on preparing what we are going to say next. We want to make sure we say the right words and avoid the wrong words, and in the meantime we haven’t heard what the other person was saying. If we want people to value what we have to say, we need to value what they are saying. We don’t need to prepare the perfect thoughts and words, we just need to be attentive. When someone feels heard, they are more likely to listen to what you have to say.

We are afraid we will hear something bad.

Sometimes we don’t listen because we are afraid of what we are going to hear. Receiving criticism is an important part of listening. Sometimes the criticism we hear is fair, and sometimes it isn’t. What matters most is that we take time to listen. Listening to criticism doesn’t mean that we agree with what is being said, it simply means that we are open to consider it. Having your words and actions critiqued can be painful, but as long as we don’t take the criticism personally, we can handle what people have to say. There’s a huge difference between hearing, “you did a lousy job on that project”, and believing, “I am a lousy person.” You are more than your performance. There is nothing you can hear that will destroy you if you don’t take it personally.

We are afraid we are going to miss something.

We are bombarded with info from news, radio, TV, and social media. There seems to be a thousand important things to hear every second of the day. With all of the options available, it’s sometimes hard to narrow our focus to one conversation at a time. We feel so pressured to stay current, that we may check our phone in the middle of a conversation, or get lost in something that’s popped up on TV. As a result we don’t listen well, and on the rare occasions that we do hear all that is being said, the person talking still doesn’t feel heard due to our lack of focus.

Listening isn’t always easy, but it’s a skill that can be developed over time with some practice, and the payoff is well worth the effort. Allow yourself to be in the moment without jumping ahead in the conversation or being distracted by another conversation somewhere else.  Not only will your relationships grow, but your enjoyment of them will as well.