There are two things that we all have in common. First, we all want our relationships to be good. We want them to be strong and healthy, and beneficial for everyone involved. Second, we have all had relationships that fell far short of that. We don’t set out to wreck our relationships or to cause them to struggle, but we all have. One of the ways we damage relationships is in our desire to control things a bit too much. And one of the ways we can improve our relationships is to trade our tendency to control for influence instead.

We are most tempted to control others when we become afraid. We want things to be good and we see things that we feel might not be so good. We are afraid that the person we care about will make decisions that will hurt them. Sometimes we are afraid that they will reject us and hurt us. In hopes of a better outcome we step in and try to control things. While controlling can look loving on the surface, it always does a great deal of damage in relationships.  In fact, the majority of broken relationships between teens and their parents come when parents have failed to trade control for influence.

When we choose to influence others, we accept the fact that we can’t (or shouldn’t) control them. Instead, we choose to be a part of the process; informing, challenging, guiding, but ultimately not taking over. When we choose to influence instead of control others, we are willing to listen. We offer insight when it is asked for, and we accept the decisions that others make, even if we feel that they are bad decisions. By refusing to control others, we open the door for trust to build in the relationship, and we also allow the other person to be responsible for their own choices and direction in life. Here are a couple of things to practice as you look to influence more and control less

Ask more, lecture less.

Questions allow us to connect with others and also gives them freedom to answer however they choose. When we jump directly into a lecture on what we think someone should or shouldn’t do, the person we are attempting to relate to will often shut down or become defensive. Influence keeps the door open for future discussion.

Be honest.

It’s ok to be honest about what you think, especially if you are asked for your thoughts. It’s not ok to try to guilt or shame someone into doing what you think is best. We all will feel guilty or ashamed at times in our lives, however they are not tools to be used to cause others to do what we want.

We can all be tempted at times to control others, but it’s always a bad decision. By becoming a person of influence you will be able to impact the lives of those you care about, and remain relationally healthy yourself.