It’s amazing what you can learn if you are willing to see all that goes on around you. Recently, while having a coffee in a small bakery, I noticed a mother and daughter climb out of their car and ready themselves to come in. It was a bit of a process because the daughter was unable to walk freely or control her body. MS had left her unable to speak as well. Once out of the car, she was able to plod forward slowly with the use of a walker. Two things caught my attention as I watched (while attempting to appear that I wasn’t watching). First, the mother saw only her daughter, not a child with special needs. She didn’t watch her daughter with pity, but with love. She helped when necessary, but didn’t make a fuss. She allowed her daughter to work her way through the process. She saw beyond limitations or challenges, and respected her daughter. Second, they were highly skilled communicators. After entering the bakery, the mom turned to her child and asked, “Do you want to choose what to eat or would you like for me to choose for you?” As she said this she opened first one hand, palm up, then the other. The child had a clear choice, and was able to place her hand in her mother’s open hand that represented the option to choose her own bakery item. The mother, having received her answer then turned and set about choosing a pastry for herself. It was simple and it was brilliant. There is much to be learned by their ability to communicate.

1)Keep it simple.

If you are having a communication breakdown at home, with friends, or at work, try simplifying what you are saying. Say less and be more specific. Don’t give in to the desire to give every possible detail. If more details are needed, you can share them when asked. The mother in the bakery could have asked her daughter if she wanted a scone or a doughnut. Did she want something with fruit in it or something chocolate?  Have you ever had blueberry jam on a croissant? Instead of bombarding her daughter with 2000 possible choices, she kept it simple: do you want to pick or should I choose for you?

2)Identify the purpose of the communication.

Sometimes we communicate for the simple joy of communication. At other times, we communicate for the purpose of gathering and sharing information. If both of you don’t have the same purpose in mind when you are communicating, one of you (if not both) is going to be very frustrated. It’s ok to start your conversation with, “we don’t have to settle on an answer tonight, I just want to talk it out for a bit”, or “I really need help coming up with a solution for this”.

3)Don’t double-check the conversation.

If someone gives you an answer, don’t double back over it to make sure that she is sure about what she really wants. Clarify if you don’t know, but if you hear a clear answer, respect the person who gave it to you. Resist the temptation to rephrase the question four more times. Once the mother in the bakery received an answer from her daughter, she set herself to her own task. She didn’t ask, “are you sure you can do this?” or “remember last time you chose something you didn’t like?”. She had her answer and for better or worse that was the end of it.

Communication can be difficult, but if we are willing to simplify what we say, and accept what people say to us, we can become more effective. Effectiveness in communication leads to a depth of trust in relationships. It’s worth the effort, and your relationships will be much healthier as a result.