For many years anger has been the most socially acceptable emotion. In fact, a recent study has found that 94.3% of all social media posts are motivated by anger, the other 5.7% are puppies or someone’s latest meal. Ok, that’s not true. I made it up, but it feels true doesn’t it? Everybody seems angry all of the time. Many people justify their toxic words and actions as “just being angry”, which is an irresponsible and dangerous trend. In our continuing series on emotional health, this post examines anger and its place in our lives.
How Can We Tell When Our Anger Is Healthy Or Unhealthy?
Anger like all emotions is neither healthy or unhealthy in and of itself. It’s an indicator. It’s our brain’s way of helping us evaluate what is happening around us. In its simplest form, anger occurs when we are blocked from attaining something we want. So, the nature of our anger depends on the nature of our desires. We can want all sorts of things: justice, to get to work quicker, the last piece of pie, the last word in an argument. Our anger has to be assessed in light of what we want. If we want things that are unreasonable then odds are that our anger is unreasonable as well.
How Are We To Deal With The Anger We Feel?
It is normal to feel angry at times, even when our anger is irrational. Anger invites us to have a closer look at what’s going on around us. It’s good. How we act on our anger is the important thing. It’s tempting to act mindlessly in response to our anger. It is cathartic to release energy by lashing out when we are angry. When we do this without thought however, we often find that we have attacked people or things that had little to do with our anger. Having healthy control over our anger is important for relationally healthy people. This four-step process will help you gain control over your anger:
1)Ask: What Do I Want That I’m Not Getting?
This step is often the most difficult, because the rush that comes from angry feelings can make it difficult to think logically about what’s going on. If we are able to slow the process down we can discover what it is that we want. Then, we can determine what is stopping us from attaining what we are after. This moves us closer to dealing with our anger in a healthy way.
2)Ask: Is What I Want Healthy and Reasonable?
Once you know what it is that you want, you can evaluate whether or not it’s really worth being angry about. We all get angry over things that prove unworthy of our anger later on. Being honest with yourself in this stage protects you from regret later.
3)Ask: What Action Should I Take Next?
Once you’ve clarified what you want and why you may not be getting it, you can decide what action will be most productive going forward. Sometimes there’s no action to take. Sometimes we need to have a hard conversation with a boss or friend. Thinking through the process ensures that our actions will be more productive and satisfying.
4)Review The Process
We become more efficient over time as we deal with our anger in this way. Reviewing the process allows us greater clarity as we continue to grow. We should ask ourselves, “did I handle my anger well?”. “Was I being honest with myself?” We will still make mistakes. but taking time to review the process allows us to deal more effectively with our emotions over time.
Anger isn’t bad, but the way you express it can be. Slow down and work the process. Your will have greater emotional control and healthier relationships as a result.