Everyone knows how important relationships are to a healthy life. One thing we don’t always know is how to evaluate the relationships we are currently in. Understanding the status of our relationships is the first step to growing in our relationships. In other words, if you don’t know how you are doing, it’s nearly impossible to improve.
There are lots of different indicators that people use when trying to understand if their relationship is strong or not:
How It Feels – “I just feel really close to you right now”
How Much Time We Spend – “We haven’t been spending much time together lately, I’m worried we may be drifting apart.”
How Much We Argue – “We never argue, we have a great relationship.”
How Much We Do For Each Other – “I never get any help around here, I don’t think he cares for me at all!”
While all of these things can offer a glimpse into the status of a relationship, they can be misleading as well. For instance, our feelings are unpredictable at times. We may be deeply loved by someone, but not be emotionally able to feel the benefit of their care. How many arguments we have may not be a reliable indicator either. While constant arguing can mean that something is wrong, so can the total lack of arguments. Of all of the indicators within relationships, I have found one to more reliable that the rest at assessing the health of the relationship. That indicator is the number of meaningful conversations that are being held.
Meaningful conversations are critical to the health of a relationship. The number doesn’t have to be large, even once or twice a week will usually suffice. The conversation doesn’t have to be long or even very deep, but both people must be willing to be honest. A meaningful conversation is one that discusses identity and well-being , and not just the normal daily circumstances of life. It’s easy in the fast pace of our lives, with all of its daily demands to assume that our relationships are getting the levels of communication they need. It’s important to remember, however, that not all conversations are meaningful. As important as logistical conversations are (When will you be home? Have you finished your homework? What time do we need to be there?), they do not the provide the depth that our relationships desperately need. Here are a couple of tips to help you have meaningful conversations:
Ask an honest question and then listen.
Don’t bring agendas to your conversations, just ask about the person you are relating to. Listen. Get to know them and what they are going through in a deeper way. It may not seem to make a difference when you do it once, but over time, it can transform the relationship.
Set A Time To Have A Conversation
Life is busy, and if you wait for the right time to start a deep conversation, you may never have one. It’s ok to set a time during the week, where you and your child, spouse, or friend can talk. It allows everyone to be ready for a conversation. It can also help everyone avoid distractions to know about the conversation in advance.
Don’t Give Up
Just because you are interested in having a meaningful conversation, doesn’t mean one will happen. You can be available, ask good questions, and be attentive and still have someone not be interested in talking with you. That’s ok! The fact that you are available matters. Just because it doesn’t work this week, doesn’t mean that it won’t work better next week.
How many meaningful conversations are you having? Do the people you love know how much you love them and care about what is going on in their world? Make some time today to engage in a meaningful conversation, your relationships will benefit from your efforts!