Grief can be an uneven process. It’s often unpredictable, coming in waves of sadness and then yielding to days of reprieve. It can bring depression, anger, relief, and confusion, sometimes all in the same day. Memories play an important part in the process of grieving. The way that we engage our memories will often determine our well-being during our grief. Here are a couple of things to know about your memories while you grieve:

Don’t Try To Avoid Memories of Your Loved One

Combine the fact that our memories are sometimes painful, with the reality that they often come at random times, and it’s easy to see why we try to shut them out of our mind altogether. After all, crying in the elevator the week after the funeral is understood by all, but crying randomly on a Tuesday at lunch several months later is harder to explain. The danger in trying to shut out painful memories is that we end up shutting out many good memories in the process. This repression causes stress and offers no real healing. The memories are normal, even the painful ones, and they should be allowed to come whenever they come.

Don’t Feed Your Negative Memories

Just because all sorts of memories will pop into your head about the person you lost doesn’t mean that all memories are beneficial in the long term. There will inevitably be memories of times you said something that you now regret. You may have left something unsaid that you now wish you had the chance to say. I saw my brother 3 days before he died. We talked about dayplanners. Who cares about dayplanners! For months after his death I wracked my brain to remember if I told him I loved him.  We normally did, but did I that time?

There are arguments, hurtful words, and even meaningless conversations in every relationship, and those memories may surface during your grief. It’s important to not obsess over your past failures in that relationship. Repeatedly going over what you should have said, and chastising yourself for not doing well doesn’t help anyone. It’s important to know that the more that you focus on negative memories, the more they will come to your mind. This will leave you feeling depressed and defeated, which is something you loved one would never have wanted.

Don’t Over Analyze Memories

Another danger that is similar to feeding negative memories is over-analyzing memories. When we miss someone terribly it’s easy to replay past conversations looking for hidden meaning. Were they angry at me? Did they know how much I cared? If we are not careful we can deconstruct memories until they lose all meaning. Accept the past for what it was. Are there things you can learn from? Great, move on and apply what you’ve learned. Don’t continue to live in a past that you have no power to change. Trust the relationship you had with the person you lost. If you loved them, they probably knew and appreciated it, even if it wasn’t always spoken out loud.

Over time grief begins to heal broken parts of us, allowing us to enjoy our past memories more freely. It takes time, but our memories can be a source of great comfort. Don’t panic if they are not there right away. Stay open, show yourself a bit of patience and grace, and allow time to do it’s healing work.