My brother and his family lived about an hour away from where I went to college. So, from time to time I would go up and spend the night, eat real food and have some family time. I remember one weekend, Randy and his wife Margaret where doing some spring cleaning. They determined to make some room by getting rid of some stuff. So they collected old tools, toys, and clothes and had a yard sale. They put out some signs, got up early and brought everything out to the front yard, for deal hunters to come claim. Allison is their youngest and couldn’t have been more than three at the time. She woke up after the yard sale had begun, and when she saw the collection of items spread around the yard, she was puzzled. Her three year old world had been turned on it’s head. Puzzled, she turned to her dad for some clarification. “Why is all of our stuff in the yard?”, she asked. After all, weren’t they supposed to bring their stuff in after they had played with it? And who were these people rifling through their clothes!?

Grief acts in similar ways. Our lives are normal and seemingly in control, and then one day we wake up to a world that doesn’t make sense anymore. We have to learn how to live without the person we lost, and as if that were not enough, our head seems filled with fog. Grief makes it difficult to think as clearly as we did before. Sometimes we can feel the lack of clarity, other times we think we are fine, but look back a year or so later and ask, “What was I thinking?!”.

The third thing I have learned about grief is that it makes your thinking and decision making unreliable. Here’s a couple of things to remember if your grief is still fresh.

Avoid major life decisions if possible.

When we are in the middle of grief our decision making can be unreliable. That doesn’t mean that all of our decisions will be bad, however. During grief, life looks different. Our perspective shifts. It may not seem like things have changed, but they have, and the decisions we make today will always look much different in a year two. So, avoid big life changing decisions while you are grieving if possible. You might do ok, but you could also make a decision that you really regret a year from now. The change in our clarity of thinking can last anywhere from 6 – 18 months after a major loss in life. Be patient with yourself. It will get better. Things will be clear again before you know it.

Staying active is ok.

Just because things are a bit cloudy at times doesn’t mean that you should sit at home and avoid all human contact. Many people pull away from work or social events when grief hits, and while that may be helpful for some, others need to stay active and productive. (Just be patient with yourself if you aren’t as productive as you used to be). Using your work to avoid grieving is unhealthy and using your grief to avoid everything and everyone in your life is equally unhealthy.

Let people in.

It’s impossible to avoid all decisions after a major loss in life. That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you. It’s easy to push people away when we are hurting, but it’s important to invite those closest to you in. They may need an invitation, because most people want to help, but don’t know what to do.  A word of caution: don’t pull people close that you don’t know very well. Allow your inner circle to be made up of people who have a proven track record with you. New people are nice, but during trials it’s best to stay with the tried and true.

Grief can feel unending, but your thoughts will clear and your heart will heal. Don’t let discouragement dominate your thinking. You will make it through this!